Healing Your Heart

A broken heart is something everyone experiences. However, when we ignore our brokenness, it will progressively become more dysfunctional and impact our ability to give and receive love in relationships in a healthy way. This lesson will help you identify areas of unhealed brokenness within your heart. It will also teach you how to receive God's love, love yourself as God loves you, and love others in a healthy way. You will also gain a better understanding of your identity and learn how to walk in who God has called you to be. To complete this lesson, read the material in the white block, and complete the video teachings and reading assignment below.

The Flow of Love and Knowing Your Identity

A lack of healthy self-love and self-nurture is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for many when it comes to personal growth and healing. We all have heard the phrase, “You must first love yourself before you can love someone else.” Unfortunately, many don’t love and nurture themselves well, and worst yet, most aren't even aware that they lack self-love. As a result, such people carry a “love void” in their hearts that they have little understanding about how to heal. A lack of healthy self-love is one of the biggest struggles people face. Self-love is not just "taking good care of yourself", it is much more than that. Truth is, we can’t effectively love ourselves, others, or God until we first receive Father God’s love through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, many reject God's grace offered to them by the finished work of Christ. Scripture teaches us that those who reject Christ are still "in Adam" dead in their trespasses and sins and that the wrath of God abides upon them because God's anger is toward all unrighteousness (Ephesians 2:1-5).

For those of us who have trusted the gospel of grace, it is important that we receive God's love knowing that we are loved by God because of our position in Christ and not based on our performance, behavior, life circumstances, and so on. The enemy tries to prevent believers from receiving God's love through false teachings about how God's love toward us operates today, often times by getting believers to focus on their behavior and circumstances as a metric for God's love rather than on Christ. Paul warns us in 2 Corinthians 2:11 to not be ignorant of the enemy's devices, lest Satan should get an advantage over us. Therefore, it's important to be aware of the enemy's common areas of attack.

The enemy tries to attack us in these two ways:
1) Attempting to prevent us from receiving the love of God
2) Keeping us ignorant or confused about our identity

When we don't have a clear understanding about how we are loved by God in Christ or of our identity in Christ it can be very easy to fall into self-hatred and negative self-talk which can give way to depression, anxiety, rejection, codependency, addiction, and so on. When we are not grounded in these two areas, we can experience a “void” in our hearts. And, because what is empty seeks to be filled, some may be driven to fill this "void” in counterfeit ways - with someone or something else - until they learn that only God can fill that need for love in their hearts.

How Can I Know God Loves Me? 

Romans 5:8 tells us that, “God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Only when we first receive God’s love are we then able to love ourselves, others, and God freely, apart from religious striving and performance-based living. We receive God's love and grace by believing in what Christ did FOR us by the cross... How that Christ died for our sins, was buried, and rose again as atonement for our sins (1 Corinthains 15:1-4). God’s love is present and available to us to draw upon daily because we are reconciled to God “in Christ”. God's love in always toward us based on our position "in Christ" and not based on our performance, behavior, circumstances, answered prayer, and so on. 

God's Love Meets Our Hearts Need for Love
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1 John 4:19 reminds us that, “We love him, because he first loved us.” God is the initiator of love - He IS love! Once we have believed the gospel of grace and have been spiritually quickened and baptized into Christ, we can rest in knowing that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:31-39). Many believers confess that they often times don't feel loved by God. This occurs in the lives of believers when they lack the understanding that God's love for them is based on their position in Christ and when they don't allow themselves to receive God's love in their hearts. It's important that we allow ourselves to receive love from the source of love which is God himself (the one true living God and not a false god).

Loving ourselves as God loves us begins when we can receive the unending, unconditional, forgiving love and grace God offers to us “in Christ”. Then, we can allow his love, his grace, and his forgiveness to work in us and through us, allowing God’s love to fill that “love void” in our hearts. When we receive and experience God's love in our hearts by grace apart from religious striving there is tremendous healing and freedom that occurs. 

Then, the flow of love will naturally play out:
1) We are grounded and secure in God's love as our source of love
2) We can let God's love and grace work in us, and then
3) We allow God's love to flow through us by edifying and serving others in love and truth - a.k.a. charity (see Illustration 1 below)

​When we are able to freely receive and give love in relationships proportionately in this way, the need of our hearts for love is satisfied and brokenness is healed.

Illustration 1 - The Flow of Love

A healthy acceptance of ourselves is when we can accept ourselves without strings attached. It's being able to honor our feelings and needs in healthy ways without diminishing or shaming ourselves. It means meeting ourselves where we are at and being at peace with ourselves. Self-love means being rooted in a sense of belonging that is based on our position and identity in Christ and not based on our achievement, merit, position, or performance. It means we are able to stay grounded in “God’s acceptance” and we feel safe. It means our sense of self-worth is rooted in knowing who we are "in Christ" (see Illustration 2 below). It's shifting out of a posture that says, "I perform FOR love" to a posture that says, "I perform FROM love".
 
Self-love IS:

• Being patient and kind with yourself in thought, word, and action
• Honoring yourself and accepting where you are at without shame or judgement
• Loving yourself because you KNOW God loves you “in Christ”
• Being able to give love freely that is not performance-based
• Having your self-worth and identity rooted in God and not the opinions of others
• Not being hung-up on your flaws or failures
• Being at peace and feeling safe in your own skin

 
Self-love is NOT:

• Self-centeredness – selfish, self-idolatry, egocentric, narcissistic
• Self-indulgence– indulging in unhealthy experiences or habits that don’t bring life
• Self-exaltation – seeking attention to try and fill the void in your heart
• Self-pity – victim mindset, poor-me attitude​

Illustration 2 - New Identity "in Christ"

Brokenness and Unworthiness

Like it or not, everyone has experienced a broken heart that needs healing. This is because no one has consistently received love or given love perfectly. For this reason, it is vitally important that we stay “heart engaged” and not let our brokenness progress to the point of developing a numb and checked-out heart. We need to have the courage to face our pain and choose to remain open to give and receive love. Below are the six stages that brokenness in the heart will progress through, if left unhealed:
 

• Stage 1 – The Broken Heart: Happens when those who were supposed to love us didn’t, either through harmful actions against us or because they neglected us in ways we needed.

 

• Stage 2 – The Fearful Heart: Brokenness that gives way to fear and insecurity. Not feeling secure in who we are or where we are heading. A heart full of fear gets trained to avoid any past pain from recurring. Only love can cast out fear.

 

• Stage 3 – The Angry Heart: When fears remain intact, the stress and insecurity of this fear gives way to anger. This heart posture will defend our brokenness and become a defense mechanism. Most often an angry heart is the result of a past wound that has not been addressed. This can cause a person to become very hostile and bitter toward themselves and others.

 

• Stage 4 – The Hopeless Heart: This is the exhaustion phase when one becomes depressed and drained from walking in the brokenness, fear, and anger. Irritability is high and faith is worn out. Hope weakens and gives way to an increase in negative thinking. A loss of hope makes the heart spiritually sick and can make the body sick also.

 

• Stage 5 – The Hard Heart: This occurs when the other stages are ignored. At this stage a callousness has formed on the heart and believing becomes difficult. Words of encouragement or hope are hard to receive, and it takes a softening of the Holy Spirit and a willingness in the person to overcome this. This heart posture resists any transformative work of God. Humility towards God and others is required to break free from this.

 

• Stage 6 – The Numb Heart: This is when a person “checks-out” emotionally and becomes numb in his or her heart. This can occur during intense moments of pain. The result is becoming numb to everything. There is very little heart engagement, and it’s like he or she is physically there but absent emotionally. Such a person has given up taking care of his or her heart, or never did to begin with. The pain is so overwhelming that checking out is the only way he or she can seem to cope. Inside such a person is numb.

Assault on the Mind

The scriptures teach us that the spiritual battle is in our minds. This is why we must be mindful of our thoughts, especially the thoughts we have towards ourselves. If we have ever experienced seasons of low self-image and a lack of self-love, then our minds were under attack by the enemy. When we come into agreement with unbiblical ways of thinking about ourselves, or have misbeliefs that need renewing, our ability to love ourselves (and others) in a healthy way is under assault. The other assault on the mind takes the form of ignorance or confusion about our identity (refer back to Illustration 2 above). Only when we are grounded in who we are does it becomes much harder for strongholds of self-hatred to take affect in our lives. Below is a listing of signs that self-hatred is operating in our lives.

12 Common Signs of Self-Hatred

1. A regular inability to have fun and enjoy life.
2. Difficulty being comfortable when looking in the mirror or seeing a photo of oneself.
3. Struggles with a very negative outlook on life and relationships.
4. Chronic irritability and moodiness.
5. Others feel an underlying anger coming from you.
​6. Constant overwhelming battles with discouragement, depression, and despair.
7. Can do for others but struggles to do for oneself.
8. Being celebrated and loved on by others feels uncomfortable.
9. Receiving affection is challenging.
10. There are deep patterns of being driven and motivated by perfectionism, performance, and people pleasing.
11. There is an overall inability to connect from the heart in relationships.
12. Prone to addictive habits, stemming from an inability to love oneself.

Unworthiness

Unworthiness is another area of bondage that takes root in our hearts and minds when self-love and a clear understanding of identity is absent. Unworthiness has to do with the way we feel about ourselves. Those who carry unworthiness have a poor view of themselves (low self-worth) and hold a lot of unresolved shame. Breaking free from unworthiness means healing our shame and accepting and loving all the parts of who we are despite whether or not anyone else does. Only God can transform us from the inside out and place in us a self-worth that is based on how he defines us. A God-centered self-worth is rooted in what the word of God says about us. Even though the world bases self-worth on what is seen on the outside (e.g., physical appearance, wealth, status, achievements, career, etc.), we serve a God who bases our worth on the identity we have "in Christ". When we allow ourselves to agree with lie of unworthiness, we cut ourselves off from our God-given destiny. In order for God to use us at our full potential, we need to overcome feelings of unworthiness and KNOW who we are in Christ.

The enemy loves to attack our self-worth. He will use anything to get us to hold onto past sins, disappointments, failures, and unforgiveness. Such thoughts and feelings arise when we don’t accept the forgiveness and grace that God offers us. We need to break agreement with such thoughts and feelings and learn how to receive God the Father’s love and forgiveness. God has wiped the slate clean! He doesn’t want us holding onto our past sins and mistakes. 

Believers who struggle with unworthiness often times have a difficult time accepting Father God's love. This can be because of a damaged relationship with their earthy father as often times the way we relate to our earthly father impacts the way we will relate to our heavenly Father. This is why it's important that we keep in mind "hurt people hurt people". This is because they themselves need inner healing and haven't learned how to process their own difficult emotions. As a result, they tend to put others down or speak abusively to them and these hurtful words and lies can affect one's sense of self-worth. As believers, we need to pray for such people and extend them forgiveness.
 
Ways unworthiness may show up:

• An inability to receive from others (a receiving problem)
• Victim mentality
• Pauper mentality
• Difficulty saying, “I love you” in the mirror
• Focusing too much on the negative
• Not letting go of the past (e.g., sins, disappointments, abuse, mistakes, etc.)
• Placing more importance on the outward person (e.g., appearance, possessions, status, etc.) rather than the inward person

 
Tips for overcoming unworthiness:

• Allow yourself to receive joyfully and understand that it is God doing the giving!
• Learn to love yourself for who Christ made you to be
• Understand that your self-worth is based on who you are "in Christ"
• Focus on how you want to be now rather than the failures of your past
• Allow yourself to be forgiven of past sins
• Renew your mind with the scriptures
• Know you are loved and wanted by Jesus!​​

Video Teachings: Love & Identity

Reading Assignment

• For further study, read or listen to the audiobook God Loves Me and I Love Myself​, by Mark Dejesus, and answer the questions at the end of each chapter.