Lesson 3: Rejection

Do you suffer with insecurity, identity confusion, performance-based living, constant busyness, relational walls, twisted communication, blaming tendencies, relational sabotage, always feeling ignored or overlooked, feeling separated from God and others, people-pleasing, perfectionism, an excessive need for validation or attention getting, jealousy, addictions, religious legalism, guilt and shame, self-pity, victim-based thinking, and/or hopelessness? If you answered yes to most of these, then you have a rejection wound that needs healing. To complete this lesson, read the material in the white block, watch the video teachings, listen to the podcast, and complete the assignment below.

Rejection Quiz

Let's begin by assessing how much rejection is showing up in your life. Answer the following questions below with either a "yes" or "no" by marking it in your notebook. Answer "yes" if you notice this is currently true for you:

Do you struggle with feeling far from God?
Is experiencing God's love a struggle?
Do you only feel good if you are doing something productive or achieving something?
Do you find yourself trying to please God with your behavior?
Do you feel ignored by friends, family, and/or leaders?
Do you feel uncomfortable in social settings where you feel you need to put on a mask?
Do you anticipate rejection from new people you meet?
Do you feel like if people knew the real you they would not like you?
Do you become easily hurt and offended by people?
When someone questions you or disagrees with you do you become irritated, angry, or argumentative?
Do you feel you need to be right in discussions?
Do you "over-talk" in social settings?
Do you tend to not talk at all in social settings?
Do you repeatedly feel compelled to tell others about the accomplishments you have achieved?
Is your work and vale based on how well you do something?
Do you do things to get attention from people?
Do you struggle with addictive habits?
Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others?
Do you have a hard time figuring out where you are headed in life?
Are you highly driven and achievement motivated (somewhat of an overachiever)?
Do you constantly deal with fear in the form of anxiety, stress, and worry?
Does a lot of relationship drama seem to follow you?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then rejection is playing a big role in your life. Let's help you heal those rejection wounds once and for all!

Rejection

Who gets rejected? Everyone. Some people experience rejection very early in life, as early as the womb (i.e., out-of-wedlock pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy, etc.), while others experience rejection later on in life. When rejection sets in at an early age, it becomes a part of that person’s identity. Rejection that starts in infancy or adolescence can be triggered by experiences such as not being picked for a sports team, being bullied, friendships not working out, a sibling being favored over another, a divorce, or parents spending too much time at work. Rejection can also occur to us as adults, for example, as the result of a divorce or breakup, a friend or parent breaking our trust, a church hurt, or not getting a job we thought we were qualified for. Knowing where and when rejection set in is valuable for knowing how to root it out.

Rejected people have an unnatural need for others to like them. Because of this, they tend to be people-pleasers and require words of affirmation, or constant pats on the back, as a means of acceptance. People with rejection are self-centered and demand a lot of time and attention from others. They often develop unhealthy relationships and become codependent. Rejection distorts the mind. As a result, a pattern of rejection plays out over and over again regardless of whether the rejection is actually occurring or if it is just perceived. Rejected people have difficulty determining if the perceived rejection is actually happening or if it is just a vain imagination. Because rejected people perceive rejection so much, they tend to reject others and push them away for fear of being rejected again and again. This can lead to isolation.

Rejection says:

“I am unloved”
“I am unwanted”
“No one is going to like me”
“I fear people won’t accept me”
“My needs are not important”
“Nothing I do is ever good enough”
“You like someone else other than me”
“I fear my situation won’t change”
“I have to do something to get you to like me” (results in people pleasing and striving)
“You don’t care about me”
“Your thing is more important than mine thing”
“Yes, I will” (over committing to gain approval)

Rejection shows up as:

Unworthiness
Inadequacy
People pleasing (enablers)
Unacceptance
Jealousy
Self-centeredness (“it’s all about me”)
Low self-esteem
Victim issues
Self-pity, woe-is-me
Insecurity
Codependency
Fear (of failure, being alone, correction, rejection, etc.)
Belittling others (often seen in men)
Disrespect for others’ views
Isolation (due to hurt)
Lashing out at others
Gift-giving to be liked

There is a lying spirit behind rejection. This lying spirit plants negative thoughts in a person’s mind telling them they are not good enough and that others reject them. A seducing spirit can be drawing the person in, tempting them to keep thinking thoughts about being rejected. A spirit of deception is also at work trying to deceive the person into believing these lies. The lying and deceptive spirits will often times have a mind-binding spirit behind them that pulls the person’s thinking into the same direction of thinking over and over again. Rejection is also tied to a spirit of fear (e.g., fear of being rejected, corrected, alone, failure, and so on). We can also have familiar spirits along with rejection that know what attacks us and will cause the same things to keep happening in our lives. A spirit of insecurity and a spirit of jealousy can also be underneath rejection that we need to break agreement with. Rooting out rejection means breaking agreement with all such lies. It is important to identify these lies because the problem is believing these lies as truth. We need to take such thoughts captive and come out of agreement with them.

It’s also important to move through repentance and forgiveness and replace the rejection with acceptance and a spirit of adoption. Rejected people need to understand their love and acceptance comes from God. When we know God accepts and loves us no one can reject us. When we know we are in the perfect will of the Father no one can reject us. As part of the body of Christ, we all are needed, and each play a role in building up the body of Christ (the church). The truth is it’s all about Christ and all about others – and never about us. This is why it is critical to know our identity in Christ. We need to remember that when people reject us (as believers), they are really rejecting Jesus Christ.

God will sometimes use a person to help root rejection out of another person. If you feel that the Lord has called you to be such a person, then you need to recognize the importance of this role and put your best foot forward by loving the rejected person the way Christ does. And, be prepared to get hurt because rejected people don’t know how to talk about their feelings. They are “stuffers” and when they try to express themselves, it can come out messy and hurtful. Just remember, don’t take the hurt in – just love them.

If God is for us – and He is! – who can be against us? No one.

Video Teachings: Rejection

Podcast: Discussing Rejection

Episode: Discussing the Challenges of Rejection: Is Rejection Operating in Your Life?

Assignment

Read Exposing the Rejection Mindset, by Mark Dejesus.
Read The Rules of Engagement for Overcoming Your Past, by Cindy Trimm.