Ending the Abuse Cycle
Abuse is any behavior that results in the mistreatment of another person. Abuse can take on many different forms including emotional (verbal), physical, sexual, mental, and spiritual abuse. When a person finds himself or herself the victim of abuse, it is important that he or she examine his or her role in the abuse cycle. Those who remain in abusive situations often times play the role of "enabler" by enabling the abuser's behavior. Enabling behavior is just as dysfunctional as the abuse itself and is usually the result of such things as:
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Do You:
Does Your Partner:
Abuse is about power and control (see Illustration 1 below).
- Failure to enforce boundaries
- Failure to establish consequences for abusive behavior
- Low self-esteem
- Fear
- Ignorance, lack of know-how
- Not having an action plan
- Not having adequate support or resources
- A false hope that things will be better "the next time"
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Do You:
- Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
- Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
- Feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
- Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
- Wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
- Feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does Your Partner:
- Humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
- Treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
- Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
- Blame you for his or her own abusive behavior?
- See you as a sex object, rather than as a person?
Abuse is about power and control (see Illustration 1 below).
Illustration 1 - Power and Control Abuse Wheel
If you discover that you are a victim of abuse, the first consideration needs to be your safety. If you are in a life threatening or unsafe situation, then you will first want to establish a "safety plan" before engaging in any further self-healing work. This may mean relocating somewhere away from your abuser, and in some cases, it may also mean getting a restraining order. Once you (and your children, if applicable) are safe, then you can seek the appropriate counseling needed to heal from abuse.
Break the Cycle of Abuse
Abuse plays itself out in cycles. In order to end the abuse cycle, you will need to engage in the cycle of personal responsibility (see Illustration 2 below). Once you are ready to break the abuse cycle in your life, you can work with a counselor or trusted friend who can help you create a plan of action and hold you accountable for moving forward with that plan. A counselor can further help you work through any other areas of challenge listed above.
Break the Cycle of Abuse
Abuse plays itself out in cycles. In order to end the abuse cycle, you will need to engage in the cycle of personal responsibility (see Illustration 2 below). Once you are ready to break the abuse cycle in your life, you can work with a counselor or trusted friend who can help you create a plan of action and hold you accountable for moving forward with that plan. A counselor can further help you work through any other areas of challenge listed above.
Illustration 2 - Cycle of Abuse and Cycle of Personal Responsibility
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The Cycle of Abuse
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The Cycle of Personal Responsibility
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Podcast Episode: Gaslighting
Often times in abusive relationships abusers will use a manipulation tactic called "gaslighting" to get the person they are abusing to doubt his or her own reality. This is something to familiarize yourself with so you can identify if you are being gaslighted and know what to do about if you are. Take a listen to the podcast episode below to learn more:
Assignment
- Read It's Not Okay Anymore, Your Personal Guide to Ending Abuse, by Greg Enns and Jan Black