Lesson 1: The Flow of Love and Identity "in Christ"
A lack of healthy self-love (see list below of what self-love is and is not) and self-nurture is one of the biggest stumbling blocks when it comes to personal growth and healing. As a result, many people carry a “love void” in their hearts that they have little understanding about how to heal. Self-love is not just "taking good care of yourself", it is much more than that. Truth is, before we can "give love" we must first "receive love". We do this by first receiving God’s love through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. For believers, it is important that we allow our hearts to receive God's love, knowing that we are loved by God because of our position in Christ and not based on our performance, behavior, life circumstances, or other reason.
The enemy will try to prevent believers from receiving God's love through false teachings about how God's love operates today. These false religious doctrines cause believers to focus on their behavior and circumstances as a metric for God's love rather than on Christ and their identify in Him. Paul warns us in 2 Corinthians 2:11 to not be ignorant of the enemy's devices, lest Satan should get an advantage over us. Therefore, it's important to be aware of the enemy's common areas of attack.
The enemy tries to attack us in these two main ways:
1) Attempting to prevent us from receiving the love of God
2) Keeping us ignorant or confused about our identity
When we don't have a clear understanding about how we are loved by God "in Christ", or of our identity "in Christ", it can be very easy to fall into self-hatred and negative self-talk. This can then give way to depression, anxiety, rejection, codependency, addiction, and so on. When we are not grounded in these two areas, we can experience a “void” in our hearts. And, because what is empty seeks to be filled, some may be driven to fill this "void” in counterfeit ways - with someone or something else - until they learn that only God can fill that need for love in their hearts.
How Can I Know God Loves Me?
Romans 5:8 tells us that, “God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." When we allow our hearts to receive God’s love it will begin to heal our brokenness and make us feel safe being vulnerable in our relationship with God and others. Being grounded in God's love and walking in our identify "in Christ" enables us to love ourselves, others, and God freely - apart from religious striving and performance-based living. God’s love is always present and available to us to draw upon daily because we are reconciled to God “in Christ”. God's love is always toward us based on our position "in Christ" and not based on our performance, behavior, circumstances, answered prayer, or other reason.
God's Love Meets Our Hearts Need for Love
1 John 4:19 reminds us that, “We love him, because he first loved us.” God is the initiator of love - He IS love! Once we have believed the gospel and understand that we have been baptized into Christ and are sealed with the Holy Spirit, we can rest in knowing that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:31-39). Many believers confess they often times don't feel loved by God. This often occurs for several reasons:
Loving ourselves as God loves us begins when we can receive the unending, unconditional, forgiving love and grace God offers to us “in Christ”. Then, we can allow his love, his grace, and his forgiveness to work in us and through us, allowing God’s love to fill that “love void” in our hearts. When we receive and experience God's love in our hearts by grace apart from religious striving there is tremendous healing and freedom that occurs.
Then, the flow of love will naturally play out:
When we are able to freely receive and give love in relationships proportionately in this way, the need of our hearts for love is satisfied and brokenness is healed.
The enemy will try to prevent believers from receiving God's love through false teachings about how God's love operates today. These false religious doctrines cause believers to focus on their behavior and circumstances as a metric for God's love rather than on Christ and their identify in Him. Paul warns us in 2 Corinthians 2:11 to not be ignorant of the enemy's devices, lest Satan should get an advantage over us. Therefore, it's important to be aware of the enemy's common areas of attack.
The enemy tries to attack us in these two main ways:
1) Attempting to prevent us from receiving the love of God
2) Keeping us ignorant or confused about our identity
When we don't have a clear understanding about how we are loved by God "in Christ", or of our identity "in Christ", it can be very easy to fall into self-hatred and negative self-talk. This can then give way to depression, anxiety, rejection, codependency, addiction, and so on. When we are not grounded in these two areas, we can experience a “void” in our hearts. And, because what is empty seeks to be filled, some may be driven to fill this "void” in counterfeit ways - with someone or something else - until they learn that only God can fill that need for love in their hearts.
How Can I Know God Loves Me?
Romans 5:8 tells us that, “God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." When we allow our hearts to receive God’s love it will begin to heal our brokenness and make us feel safe being vulnerable in our relationship with God and others. Being grounded in God's love and walking in our identify "in Christ" enables us to love ourselves, others, and God freely - apart from religious striving and performance-based living. God’s love is always present and available to us to draw upon daily because we are reconciled to God “in Christ”. God's love is always toward us based on our position "in Christ" and not based on our performance, behavior, circumstances, answered prayer, or other reason.
God's Love Meets Our Hearts Need for Love
1 John 4:19 reminds us that, “We love him, because he first loved us.” God is the initiator of love - He IS love! Once we have believed the gospel and understand that we have been baptized into Christ and are sealed with the Holy Spirit, we can rest in knowing that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:31-39). Many believers confess they often times don't feel loved by God. This often occurs for several reasons:
- A lack of understanding that God's love is based on their position in Christ and not their performance
- Difficulty allowing their heart to receive God's love, often due to unhealed rejection
- Not having a clear biblical understanding of their identity "in Christ" - or not believing it
Loving ourselves as God loves us begins when we can receive the unending, unconditional, forgiving love and grace God offers to us “in Christ”. Then, we can allow his love, his grace, and his forgiveness to work in us and through us, allowing God’s love to fill that “love void” in our hearts. When we receive and experience God's love in our hearts by grace apart from religious striving there is tremendous healing and freedom that occurs.
Then, the flow of love will naturally play out:
- We are grounded and secure in God's love as our source of love
- We can let God's love and grace work in us
- We allow God's love to flow through us by edifying and serving others in love and truth (see Illustration 1 below)
When we are able to freely receive and give love in relationships proportionately in this way, the need of our hearts for love is satisfied and brokenness is healed.
Illustration 1 - The Flow of Love
A healthy acceptance of ourselves is when we can accept ourselves without strings attached. It's being able to honor our feelings and needs in healthy ways without diminishing or shaming ourselves. It means meeting ourselves where we are at and being at peace with ourselves. Self-love means being rooted in a sense of belonging that is based on our position and identity in Christ and not based on our achievement, merit, position, or performance. It means we are able to stay grounded in “God’s acceptance” and we feel safe. It means our sense of self-worth is rooted in knowing who we are "in Christ" (see Illustration 2 below). It's shifting out of a posture that says, "I perform FOR love" to a posture that says, "I perform FROM love".
Self-love IS:
Self-love is NOT:
Self-love IS:
- Being patient and kind with yourself in thought, word, and action
- Honoring yourself and accepting where you are at without shame or judgement
- Loving yourself because you KNOW God loves you “in Christ”
- Being able to give love freely that is not performance-based
- Having your self-worth and identity rooted in God and not the opinions of others
- Not being hung-up on your flaws or failures
- Being at peace and feeling safe in your own skin
Self-love is NOT:
- Self-centeredness – selfish, self-idolatry, egocentric, narcissistic
- Self-indulgence– indulging in unhealthy experiences or habits that don’t bring life
- Self-exaltation – seeking attention to try and fill the void in your heart
- Self-pity – victim mindset, poor-me attitude
Illustration 2 - New Identity "in Christ"
6 Stages of Spiritual Heart Disease
Like it or not, everyone has experienced a broken heart that needs healing. This is because no one has consistently received love or given love perfectly. For this reason, it is vitally important that we stay “heart engaged” and not let our brokenness progress to the point of developing a numb and checked-out heart. We need to have the courage to face our pain and choose to remain open to give and receive love. Below are the stages that brokenness in the heart will progress through, if left unhealed:
Assault on the Mind
The scriptures teach us that the spiritual battle is in our minds. This is why we must be mindful of our thoughts, especially the thoughts we have towards ourselves. If we have ever experienced seasons of low self-image or a lack of self-love, then our minds were under attack by the enemy. When we come into agreement with unbiblical ways of thinking about ourselves, or have misbeliefs that need renewing, our ability to love ourselves (and others) in a healthy way is under attack. The enemy also will attack us through ignorance or confusion about our identity. Only when we are grounded in who we are does it becomes much harder for strongholds of self-hatred to take effect in our lives. Below is a listing of signs that self-hatred is operating in our lives.
12 Common Signs of Self-Hatred
1. A regular inability to have fun and enjoy life.
2. Difficulty being comfortable when looking in the mirror or seeing a photo of oneself.
3. Struggles with a very negative outlook on life and relationships.
4. Chronic irritability and moodiness.
5. Others feel an underlying anger coming from you.
6. Constant overwhelming battles with discouragement, depression, and despair.
7. Can do for others but struggles to do for oneself.
8. Being celebrated and loved on by others feels uncomfortable.
9. Receiving affection is challenging.
10. There are deep patterns of being driven and motivated by perfectionism, performance, and people pleasing.
11. There is an overall inability to connect from the heart in relationships.
12. Prone to addictive habits, stemming from an inability to love oneself.
Like it or not, everyone has experienced a broken heart that needs healing. This is because no one has consistently received love or given love perfectly. For this reason, it is vitally important that we stay “heart engaged” and not let our brokenness progress to the point of developing a numb and checked-out heart. We need to have the courage to face our pain and choose to remain open to give and receive love. Below are the stages that brokenness in the heart will progress through, if left unhealed:
- Stage 1 – The Broken Heart: Happens when those who were supposed to love us didn’t, either through harmful actions against us or because they neglected us in ways we needed.
- Stage 2 – The Fearful Heart: Brokenness that gives way to fear and insecurity. Not feeling secure in who we are or where we are heading. A heart full of fear gets trained to avoid any past pain from recurring. Only perfect love can cast out fear.
- Stage 3 – The Angry Heart: When fears remain intact, the stress and insecurity of this fear gives way to anger. This heart posture will defend our brokenness and become a defense mechanism. Most often an angry heart is the result of a past wound that has not been addressed. This can cause a person to become very hostile and bitter toward themselves and others.
- Stage 4 – The Hopeless Heart: This is the exhaustion phase when one becomes depressed and drained from walking in the brokenness, fear, and anger. Irritability is high and faith is worn out. Hope weakens and gives way to an increase in negative thinking. A loss of hope makes the heart spiritually sick and can make the body sick also.
- Stage 5 – The Hard Heart: This occurs when the other stages are ignored. At this stage a callousness has formed on the heart and believing becomes difficult. Words of encouragement or hope are hard to receive, and it takes a softening of the Holy Spirit and a willingness in the person to overcome this. This heart posture resists any transformative work of God. Humility towards God and others is required to break free from this.
- Stage 6 – The Numb Heart: This is when a person “checks-out” emotionally and becomes numb in his or her heart. This can occur during intense moments of pain. The result is becoming numb to everything. There is very little heart engagement, and it’s like he or she is physically there but absent emotionally. Such a person has given up taking care of his or her heart, or never did to begin with. The pain is so overwhelming that checking out is the only way he or she can seem to cope. Inside such a person is numb.
Assault on the Mind
The scriptures teach us that the spiritual battle is in our minds. This is why we must be mindful of our thoughts, especially the thoughts we have towards ourselves. If we have ever experienced seasons of low self-image or a lack of self-love, then our minds were under attack by the enemy. When we come into agreement with unbiblical ways of thinking about ourselves, or have misbeliefs that need renewing, our ability to love ourselves (and others) in a healthy way is under attack. The enemy also will attack us through ignorance or confusion about our identity. Only when we are grounded in who we are does it becomes much harder for strongholds of self-hatred to take effect in our lives. Below is a listing of signs that self-hatred is operating in our lives.
12 Common Signs of Self-Hatred
1. A regular inability to have fun and enjoy life.
2. Difficulty being comfortable when looking in the mirror or seeing a photo of oneself.
3. Struggles with a very negative outlook on life and relationships.
4. Chronic irritability and moodiness.
5. Others feel an underlying anger coming from you.
6. Constant overwhelming battles with discouragement, depression, and despair.
7. Can do for others but struggles to do for oneself.
8. Being celebrated and loved on by others feels uncomfortable.
9. Receiving affection is challenging.
10. There are deep patterns of being driven and motivated by perfectionism, performance, and people pleasing.
11. There is an overall inability to connect from the heart in relationships.
12. Prone to addictive habits, stemming from an inability to love oneself.
Counseling Tip: Brokenness can carry a lot of shame with it, so as a counselor be mindful to be a shame-free vessel to those you work with. One way you can do this is by not reacting with shock or awe when a client shares personal information that might be tragic, painful, sinful, or embarrassing. Receive what they have to say with love and make them feel safe and encouraged.
Video Teachings: God's Love and New Identity "in Christ"
Assignment
- Read God Loves Me and I Love Myself, by Mark Dejesus.
- Review the following handout located in your ministry tool kit:
- Our Deepest Needs