Module 4: Sharpening Your Saw
This is a learning module designed to help you deepen and refine your working knowledge of the more common areas of bondage that many people struggle with. This learning module is packed with information and will take you time to get through. There are 11 lessons in this module, each contained within its own white block. Lessons may include video teachings, audio lessons, a writing assignment, and books and handouts to read. The information you learn here will equip you with the foundational understanding needed to effectively support and counsel clients.
To complete this module:
To complete this module:
- In sequential order, complete each lesson below. Be sure to watch any videos, listen to any audios, submit any writing assignment, and read any books or handouts associated with each lesson BEFORE progressing to the next lesson.
- Some lessons may ask you to print a document. Please be sure to keep all printed documents in a folder or binder so you can easily reference back to them.
- Take your time completing each lesson.
Lesson 1: The Flow of Love and Identity "in Christ"
A lack of healthy self-love is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for many when it comes to personal growth and healing. We all have heard the phrase, “You must first love yourself before you can love someone else.” Unfortunately, many don’t love themselves, and worst yet, most aren't even aware that they lack self-love. As a result, such people carry a “love void” in their hearts that they have little understanding about how to heal. A lack of healthy self-love is one of the biggest struggles people face. Self-love is not just "taking good care of yourself", it is much more than that. Truth is, we can’t effectively love ourselves, others, or God until we first receive Father God’s love through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. This is the truth most people reject, and because they do, they lack true self-love. Failure to receive and apply God's love, forgiveness, and grace to ourself can make us susceptible to self-hatred. Paul warns us in 2 Corinthians 2:11 to not be ignorant of the enemy's devices, lest Satan should get an advantage over us. Therefore, it's important to be aware of the enemy's two areas of attack.
These two areas of attack are:
1) Trying to prevent us from receiving the love of God,
2) Keeping us ignorant or confused about our identity (according to God).
When we don't feel loved by God or we don't know have a clear understanding of our identity (in Christ) it can be very easy to fall into self-hatred resulting in addiction, depression, anxiety, rejection, codependency, failed relationships, and so on. When we are not grounded in these two areas, we can experience a “void” in our hearts. And, because what is empty seeks to be filled, we will be driven to fill this "void” temporality in counterfeit ways - with someone or something else - until we learn that only God can fill that need for love in our hearts.
How Does God Show Us His Love Today?
Romans 5:8 tells us that, “God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Only when we first receive God’s love are we then able to love ourselves, others, and God freely, apart from religious striving and performance-based living. We receive God's love and grace by believing in what Christ did FOR us by the cross... How that Christ died for our sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day according to scripture as atonement for our sins (1 Corinthains 15:1-4). God’s love is present and available to us to draw upon daily because we are reconciled to God “in Christ”. God's love in always toward us based on our position "in Christ" and not based on our performance.
God's Love Meets Our Hearts Need for Love
1 John 4:19 reminds us that, “We love him, because he first loved us.” God is the initiator of love - He IS love! To truly love ourselves, we first need to receive love from the source of love, and this is God himself (the one true living God and not a false god). Loving ourselves begins by receiving the unending, unconditional, forgiving love God offers us “in Christ”. Then, when we allow his love, his grace, and his forgiveness to work in us and through us, God’s love will fill that “love void” in our hearts. When we receive and experience God's love in our hearts (by grace apart from religious striving) there is tremendous healing and freedom that occurs. Then, the flow of love will naturally play out, 1) we are grounded and secure in God's love as our source of love, 2) we let that love work in us, and then 3) we let God's love flow through us by sharing it with others and serving others in love (see Illustration 1 below). When we are able to freely receive and give love in this way, the need of our hearts for love is satisfied and brokenness is healed.
These two areas of attack are:
1) Trying to prevent us from receiving the love of God,
2) Keeping us ignorant or confused about our identity (according to God).
When we don't feel loved by God or we don't know have a clear understanding of our identity (in Christ) it can be very easy to fall into self-hatred resulting in addiction, depression, anxiety, rejection, codependency, failed relationships, and so on. When we are not grounded in these two areas, we can experience a “void” in our hearts. And, because what is empty seeks to be filled, we will be driven to fill this "void” temporality in counterfeit ways - with someone or something else - until we learn that only God can fill that need for love in our hearts.
How Does God Show Us His Love Today?
Romans 5:8 tells us that, “God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Only when we first receive God’s love are we then able to love ourselves, others, and God freely, apart from religious striving and performance-based living. We receive God's love and grace by believing in what Christ did FOR us by the cross... How that Christ died for our sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day according to scripture as atonement for our sins (1 Corinthains 15:1-4). God’s love is present and available to us to draw upon daily because we are reconciled to God “in Christ”. God's love in always toward us based on our position "in Christ" and not based on our performance.
God's Love Meets Our Hearts Need for Love
1 John 4:19 reminds us that, “We love him, because he first loved us.” God is the initiator of love - He IS love! To truly love ourselves, we first need to receive love from the source of love, and this is God himself (the one true living God and not a false god). Loving ourselves begins by receiving the unending, unconditional, forgiving love God offers us “in Christ”. Then, when we allow his love, his grace, and his forgiveness to work in us and through us, God’s love will fill that “love void” in our hearts. When we receive and experience God's love in our hearts (by grace apart from religious striving) there is tremendous healing and freedom that occurs. Then, the flow of love will naturally play out, 1) we are grounded and secure in God's love as our source of love, 2) we let that love work in us, and then 3) we let God's love flow through us by sharing it with others and serving others in love (see Illustration 1 below). When we are able to freely receive and give love in this way, the need of our hearts for love is satisfied and brokenness is healed.
Illustration 1 - The Flow of Love
A healthy acceptance of ourselves is when we can accept ourselves without strings attached. It's being able to honor our feelings and needs in healthy ways without diminishing or shaming ourselves. It means meeting ourselves where we are at and being at peace with ourselves. Self-love means being rooted in a sense of belonging that is based on our position and identity in Christ and not based on our achievement, merit, position, or performance. It means we are able to stay grounded in “God’s acceptance” and we feel safe. It means our sense of self-worth is rooted in knowing who we are "in Christ" (see Illustration 2 below). It's shifting out of a posture that says, "I perform FOR love" to a posture that says, "I perform FROM love".
Self-love IS:
Self-love is NOT:
Self-love IS:
- Being patient and kind with yourself in thought, word, and action
- Honoring yourself and accepting where you are at without shame or judgement
- Loving yourself because you KNOW God loves you “in Christ”
- Being able to give love freely that is not performance-based
- Having your self-worth and identity rooted in God and not the opinions of others
- Not being hung-up on your flaws or failures
- Being at peace and feeling safe in your own skin
Self-love is NOT:
- Self-centeredness – selfish, self-idolatry, egocentric, narcissistic
- Self-indulgence– indulging in unhealthy experiences or habits that don’t bring life
- Self-exaltation – seeking attention to try and fill the void in your heart
- Self-pity – victim mindset, poor-me attitude
Illustration 2 - New Identity "in Christ"
6 Stages of Spiritual Heart Disease
Like it or not, everyone has experienced a broken heart that needs healing. This is because no one has consistently received love or given love perfectly. For this reason, it is vitally important that we stay “heart engaged” and not let our brokenness progress to the point of developing a numb and checked-out heart. We need to have the courage to face our pain, and choose to remain open to give and receive love. Below are the stages that brokenness in the heart, if left unhealed, will progress through:
Assault on the Mind
The scriptures teach us that the spiritual battle is in our minds. This is why we must be mindful of our thoughts, especially the thoughts we have towards ourselves. If we have ever experienced seasons of low self-image or a lack of self-love, then our minds were under attack by the enemy. When we come into agreement with unbiblical ways of thinking about ourselves, or have misbeliefs that need renewing, our ability to love ourselves (and others) in a healthy way is under attack. The enemy also will attack us through ignorance or confusion about our identity. Only when we are grounded in who we are does it becomes much harder for strongholds of self-hatred to take effect in our lives. Below is a listing of signs that self-hatred is operating in our lives.
12 Common Signs of Self-Hatred
1. A regular inability to have fun and enjoy life.
2. Difficulty being comfortable when looking in the mirror or seeing a photo of oneself.
3. Struggles with a very negative outlook on life and relationships.
4. Chronic irritability and moodiness.
5. Others feel an underlying anger coming from you.
6. Constant overwhelming battles with discouragement, depression, and despair.
7. Can do for others but struggles to do for oneself.
8. Being celebrated and loved on by others feels uncomfortable.
9. Receiving affection is challenging.
10. There are deep patterns of being driven and motivated by perfectionism, performance, and people pleasing.
11. There is an overall inability to connect from the heart in relationships.
12. Prone to addictive habits, stemming from an inability to love oneself.
Like it or not, everyone has experienced a broken heart that needs healing. This is because no one has consistently received love or given love perfectly. For this reason, it is vitally important that we stay “heart engaged” and not let our brokenness progress to the point of developing a numb and checked-out heart. We need to have the courage to face our pain, and choose to remain open to give and receive love. Below are the stages that brokenness in the heart, if left unhealed, will progress through:
- Stage 1 – The Broken Heart: Happens when those who were supposed to love us didn’t, either through harmful actions against us or because they neglected us in ways we needed.
- Stage 2 – The Fearful Heart: Brokenness that gives way to fear and insecurity. Not feeling secure in who we are or where we are heading. A heart full of fear gets trained to avoid any past pain from recurring. Only love can cast out fear.
- Stage 3 – The Angry Heart: When fears remain intact, the stress and insecurity of this fear gives way to anger. This heart posture will defend our brokenness and become a defense mechanism. Most often an angry heart is the result of a past wound that has not been addressed. This can cause a person to become very hostile and bitter toward themselves and others.
- Stage 4 – The Hopeless Heart: This is the exhaustion phase when one becomes depressed and drained from walking in the brokenness, fear, and anger. Irritability is high and faith is worn out. Hope weakens and gives way to an increase in negative thinking. A loss of hope makes the heart spiritually sick and can make the body sick also.
- Stage 5 – The Hard Heart: This occurs when the other stages are ignored. At this stage a callousness has formed on the heart and believing becomes difficult. Words of encouragement or hope are hard to receive, and it takes a softening of the Holy Sprit and a willingness in the person to overcome this. This heart posture resists any transformative work of God. Humility towards God and others is required to break free from this.
- Stage 6 – The Numb Heart: This is when a person “checks-out” emotionally and becomes numb in his or her heart. This can occur during intense moments of pain. The result is becoming numb to everything. There is very little heart engagement, and it’s like he or she is physically there but absent emotionally. Such a person has given up taking care of his or her heart, or never did to begin with. The pain is so overwhelming that checking out is the only way he or she can seem to cope. Inside such a person is numb.
Assault on the Mind
The scriptures teach us that the spiritual battle is in our minds. This is why we must be mindful of our thoughts, especially the thoughts we have towards ourselves. If we have ever experienced seasons of low self-image or a lack of self-love, then our minds were under attack by the enemy. When we come into agreement with unbiblical ways of thinking about ourselves, or have misbeliefs that need renewing, our ability to love ourselves (and others) in a healthy way is under attack. The enemy also will attack us through ignorance or confusion about our identity. Only when we are grounded in who we are does it becomes much harder for strongholds of self-hatred to take effect in our lives. Below is a listing of signs that self-hatred is operating in our lives.
12 Common Signs of Self-Hatred
1. A regular inability to have fun and enjoy life.
2. Difficulty being comfortable when looking in the mirror or seeing a photo of oneself.
3. Struggles with a very negative outlook on life and relationships.
4. Chronic irritability and moodiness.
5. Others feel an underlying anger coming from you.
6. Constant overwhelming battles with discouragement, depression, and despair.
7. Can do for others but struggles to do for oneself.
8. Being celebrated and loved on by others feels uncomfortable.
9. Receiving affection is challenging.
10. There are deep patterns of being driven and motivated by perfectionism, performance, and people pleasing.
11. There is an overall inability to connect from the heart in relationships.
12. Prone to addictive habits, stemming from an inability to love oneself.
Counseling Tip: Brokenness can carry a lot of shame with it, so as a counselor be mindful to be a shame-free vessel to those you work with. One way you can do this is by not reacting with shock or awe when a client shares personal information that might be tragic, painful, sinful, or embarrassing. Receive what they have to say with love and make them feel safe and encouraged.
Video Teachings: Love and Identity
Assignment
- Read God Loves Me and I Love Myself, by Mark Dejesus.
- Review the following handout located in your ministry tool kit:
- Our Deepest Needs
Lesson 2: Forgiveness
Forgiveness is foundational to healing. However, forgiveness is something that is contrary to our human nature. One thing about life we can all be certain of is that we are going to be hurt, offended, and wounded by others at some point. Inevitably, we will do the same in return. Many confuse forgiveness with being a feeling rather than it being a choice. In fact, forgiveness is a decision that requires an act of our will.
If we choose to hold onto unforgiveness, it will weigh us down and keep our hearts and minds in bondage. Unforgiveness is a sin that if ignored will turn into bitterness, resentment, and stress. It can affect our spiritual walk, emotions, relationships, and health. Did you know that unforgiveness is the leading cause of most diseases such as cancer (bitterness), high blood pressure, heart issues, and other stress related ailments?
It is important to understand, refusing to forgive others gives them power over us. When we instead choose to forgive, we set ourselves free. In this way, forgiveness is for us, not for our offenders.
Forgiveness IS:
Forgiveness does NOT mean:
If we choose to hold onto unforgiveness, it will weigh us down and keep our hearts and minds in bondage. Unforgiveness is a sin that if ignored will turn into bitterness, resentment, and stress. It can affect our spiritual walk, emotions, relationships, and health. Did you know that unforgiveness is the leading cause of most diseases such as cancer (bitterness), high blood pressure, heart issues, and other stress related ailments?
It is important to understand, refusing to forgive others gives them power over us. When we instead choose to forgive, we set ourselves free. In this way, forgiveness is for us, not for our offenders.
Forgiveness IS:
- An act of will, a conscious choice
- An expression of love, placing ourselves in a position of love
- Enforcing appropriate consequences and boundaries
- Something that we need to practice, making it a way of life
- Releasing our offenders from their debt and accepting the ministry of reconciliation
- Extending our offenders a full pardon
- Trusting God to appropriate righteous judgement
- Letting go of the need for revenge
- Letting go of our criticisms, self-pity, and judgmental attitude
- Saying “it is what it is” and “it was what it was”
- Obedience because God wants us to release it, not relive it
Forgiveness does NOT mean:
- A feeling
- Tolerance
- Deserved
- Trust (this takes time to rebuild)
- Forgetting or pretending the offense never happened
- Demanding the offender change his or her behavior
- Putting yourself back into a relationship with an offender
- Arguing it out anymore
- Denying the pain, hurt, or anger (it takes time for a wound to heal)
- An instant and full reconciliation with the offender
- Enabling the offender
Blocks to Forgiveness
BLOCKS |
RESULTS |
Pride |
This can make us think our offense was so bad that we are somehow owed something |
Need for Attention |
Unforgiveness gives people something to talk about and can become part of their identity |
Condemnation |
Prevents us from forgiving ourselves and others |
Fear |
The fear of being hurt again or fearing our offenders will hurt others |
Revenge |
The need for revenge can keep us stuck in unforgiveness |
Entitlement |
The need to feel superior or entitled is another stumbling block |
Because forgiveness is against our human nature, we find the power to forgive through Christ. Only by Christ’s example can we learn how to forgive others. Taking on the characteristic of Christ by forgiving in the way he forgave will allows us to cultivate a heart that is ready to forgive. We choose to forgive another based on what Jesus did for us. Aligning our hearts with the words of Christ can help us make forgiveness the condition of our hearts. Also, allowing ourselves to let go of "needing an apology" from our offenders will move us into a place of freedom. Forgiveness creates space in our hearts for us to extend love to others which makes us better people and, in turn, helps others be better people as well.
Those who hurt others are often times wounded individuals who themselves are in need of prayer and healing. For this reason, we can demonstrate love toward our enemies by praying for them. God instructs us not to overcome evil with evil, but rather with good (i.e., extending forgiveness, praying for our offenders, thinking not reacting, living peacefully with others, etc.). Believers have the example of Christ, guidance of the Word, the Holy Ghost, and the power of prayer at our disposal. Let us stay focused on showing love, and let God be God.
In addition to forgiving others, we need to ask for forgiveness where we have offended. Even when we are not at fault, we can challenge ourselves to search for ways to create more peace and harmony in our relationships. Letting go of our need to "always be right" and living peacefully with others is important and will lead to more inner peace as well. It’s imperative that we examine ourselves to see where we may have violated someone else’s expectation of us and see where we may be causing others to stumble or suffer as a result of our words, actions, and behaviors.
Video Teachings: Forgiveness
Assignment
- Read chapter 10 in the Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life book.
- Review the following handouts located in your ministry tool kit:
- Forgiveness - What It Is and Is Not
- Tips on Forgiveness
Lesson 3: Rejection
Who gets rejected? Everyone. Some people experience rejection very early in life, as early as the womb (i.e., out-of-wedlock pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy, etc.), while others experience rejection later on in life. When rejection sets in at an early age, it becomes a part of that person’s identity. Rejection that starts in infancy or adolescence can be triggered by experiences such as not being picked for a sports team, being bullied, friendships not working out, a sibling being favored over another, a divorce, or parents spending too much time at work. Rejection can also occur to us as adults, for example, as the result of a divorce or breakup, a friend or parent breaking our trust, a church hurt, or not getting a job we thought we were qualified for. Knowing where and when rejection set in is valuable for knowing how to root it out.
Rejected people have an unnatural need for others to like them. Because of this, they tend to be people pleasers and require words of affirmation, or constant pats on the back, as a means of acceptance. People with rejection are self-centered and demand a lot of time and attention from others. They often develop unhealthy relationships and become codependent. Rejection distorts the mind. As a result, a pattern of rejection plays out over and over again regardless of whether the rejection is actually occurring or if it is just perceived. Rejected people have difficulty determining if the perceived rejection is actually happening or if it is just a vain imagination. Because rejected people perceive rejection so much, they tend to reject others and push them away for fear of being rejected again and again. This can lead to isolation.
Rejection says:
Rejection shows up as:
There is a lying spirit behind rejection. This lying spirit plants negative thoughts in a person’s mind telling them they are not good enough and that others reject them. A seducing spirit can be drawing the person in, tempting them to keep thinking thoughts about being rejected. A spirit of deception is also at work trying to deceive the person into believing these lies. The lying and deceptive spirits will often times have a mind-binding spirit behind them that pulls the person’s thinking into the same direction of thinking over and over again. Rejection is also tied to a spirit of fear (e.g., fear of being rejected, corrected, alone, failure, and so on). We can also have familiar spirits along with rejection that know what attacks us and will cause the same things to keep happening in our lives. A spirit of insecurity and a spirit of jealousy can also be underneath rejection that we need to break agreement with. Rooting out rejection means breaking agreement with all such lies. It is important to identify these lies because the problem is believing these lies as truth. We need to take such thoughts captive and come out of agreement with them.
It’s also important to move through repentance and forgiveness and replace the rejection with acceptance and a spirit of adoption. Rejected people need to understand their love and acceptance comes from God. When we know God accepts and loves us it becomes difficult for the stronghold of rejection to have an effect on us. As a member of the body of Christ, we all are needed, and each play a role in building up the body of Christ (the Church). The truth is it’s all about Christ and all about others – and never about us. This is why it is critical to know our identity in Christ. We need to remember that when people reject us (as believers), they are really rejecting Jesus Christ.
God will sometimes use a person to help root rejection out of another person. If you feel that the Lord has called you to be such a person, then you need to recognize the importance of this role and put your best foot forward by loving the rejected person the way Christ does. And, be prepared to get hurt because rejected people don’t know how to talk about their feelings. They are “stuffers” and when they try to express themselves, it can come out messy and hurtful. Just remember, don’t take the hurt in – just love them.
If God is for us – and He is! – who can be against us? No one.
Rejected people have an unnatural need for others to like them. Because of this, they tend to be people pleasers and require words of affirmation, or constant pats on the back, as a means of acceptance. People with rejection are self-centered and demand a lot of time and attention from others. They often develop unhealthy relationships and become codependent. Rejection distorts the mind. As a result, a pattern of rejection plays out over and over again regardless of whether the rejection is actually occurring or if it is just perceived. Rejected people have difficulty determining if the perceived rejection is actually happening or if it is just a vain imagination. Because rejected people perceive rejection so much, they tend to reject others and push them away for fear of being rejected again and again. This can lead to isolation.
Rejection says:
- “I am unloved”
- “I am unwanted”
- “No one is going to like me”
- “I fear people won’t accept me”
- “My needs are not important”
- “Nothing I do is ever good enough”
- “You like someone else other than me”
- “I fear my situation won’t change”
- “I have to do something to get you to like me” (results in people pleasing and striving)
- “You don’t care about me”
- “Your thing is more important than mine thing”
- “Yes, I will” (over committing to gain approval)
Rejection shows up as:
- Unworthiness
- Inadequacy
- People pleasing (enablers)
- Unacceptance
- Jealousy
- Self-centeredness (“it’s all about me”)
- Low self-esteem
- Victim issues
- Self-pity, woe-is-me
- Insecurity
- Codependency
- Fear (of failure, being alone, correction, rejection, etc.)
- Belittling others (often seen in men)
- Disrespect for others’ views
- Isolation (due to hurt)
- Lashing out at others
- Gift-giving to be liked
There is a lying spirit behind rejection. This lying spirit plants negative thoughts in a person’s mind telling them they are not good enough and that others reject them. A seducing spirit can be drawing the person in, tempting them to keep thinking thoughts about being rejected. A spirit of deception is also at work trying to deceive the person into believing these lies. The lying and deceptive spirits will often times have a mind-binding spirit behind them that pulls the person’s thinking into the same direction of thinking over and over again. Rejection is also tied to a spirit of fear (e.g., fear of being rejected, corrected, alone, failure, and so on). We can also have familiar spirits along with rejection that know what attacks us and will cause the same things to keep happening in our lives. A spirit of insecurity and a spirit of jealousy can also be underneath rejection that we need to break agreement with. Rooting out rejection means breaking agreement with all such lies. It is important to identify these lies because the problem is believing these lies as truth. We need to take such thoughts captive and come out of agreement with them.
It’s also important to move through repentance and forgiveness and replace the rejection with acceptance and a spirit of adoption. Rejected people need to understand their love and acceptance comes from God. When we know God accepts and loves us it becomes difficult for the stronghold of rejection to have an effect on us. As a member of the body of Christ, we all are needed, and each play a role in building up the body of Christ (the Church). The truth is it’s all about Christ and all about others – and never about us. This is why it is critical to know our identity in Christ. We need to remember that when people reject us (as believers), they are really rejecting Jesus Christ.
God will sometimes use a person to help root rejection out of another person. If you feel that the Lord has called you to be such a person, then you need to recognize the importance of this role and put your best foot forward by loving the rejected person the way Christ does. And, be prepared to get hurt because rejected people don’t know how to talk about their feelings. They are “stuffers” and when they try to express themselves, it can come out messy and hurtful. Just remember, don’t take the hurt in – just love them.
If God is for us – and He is! – who can be against us? No one.
Video Teachings: Rejection
Assignment
Read the books below:
- Exposing the Rejection Mindset, by Mark Dejesus
Lesson 4: Unworthiness
Unworthiness is another area of bondage that takes root in our hearts and minds when self-love and a sense of identity is absent. Unworthiness has to do with the way we feel about ourselves. Those who carry unworthiness have a poor view of themselves (low self-worth) and hold a lot of unresolved shame. Breaking free from unworthiness means healing our shame and accepting and loving all the parts of who we are despite whether or not anyone else does. Only God can transform us from the inside out and place in us a self-worth that is based on how he defines us. A God-centered self-worth is rooted in what the word of God says about us. Even though the world bases self-worth on what is seen on the outside (e.g., physical appearance, wealth, status, achievements, career, etc.), we serve a God who bases our worth on the identity we have "in Christ". When we allow ourselves to agree with lie of unworthiness, we cut ourselves off from our God-given destiny. In order for God to use us at our full potential, we need to overcome feelings of unworthiness and KNOW who we are in Christ.
The enemy loves to attack our self-worth. He will use anything to get us to hold onto past sins, disappointments, failures, and unforgiveness. Such thoughts and feelings arise when we don’t accept the forgiveness and grace that God offers us. We need to break agreement with such thoughts and feelings and learn how to receive God the Father’s love and forgiveness. God has wiped the slate clean! He doesn’t want us holding onto our past sins and mistakes.
Hurtful and abusive words spoken to us as children can affect our self-worth. Believers who struggle with unworthiness often times have a difficult time accepting Father God's love. This can be because of a damaged relationship with their earthy father because the way we relate to our earthly father often times is the same way we will relate to our heavenly Father. This is why it's important that we keep in mind "hurting people hurt others" because they themselves need inner healing and don’t know how to process their own difficult emotions. As a result, they tend to put others down or speak abusively to them. As believers, we need to pray for such people and extend them forgiveness.
Ways unworthiness may show up:
Tips for overcoming unworthiness:
The enemy loves to attack our self-worth. He will use anything to get us to hold onto past sins, disappointments, failures, and unforgiveness. Such thoughts and feelings arise when we don’t accept the forgiveness and grace that God offers us. We need to break agreement with such thoughts and feelings and learn how to receive God the Father’s love and forgiveness. God has wiped the slate clean! He doesn’t want us holding onto our past sins and mistakes.
Hurtful and abusive words spoken to us as children can affect our self-worth. Believers who struggle with unworthiness often times have a difficult time accepting Father God's love. This can be because of a damaged relationship with their earthy father because the way we relate to our earthly father often times is the same way we will relate to our heavenly Father. This is why it's important that we keep in mind "hurting people hurt others" because they themselves need inner healing and don’t know how to process their own difficult emotions. As a result, they tend to put others down or speak abusively to them. As believers, we need to pray for such people and extend them forgiveness.
Ways unworthiness may show up:
- An inability to receive from others (a receiving problem)
- Victim mentality
- Pauper mentality
- Difficulty saying, “I love you” in the mirror
- Focusing too much on the negative
- Not letting go of the past (e.g., sins, disappointments, abuse, mistakes, etc.)
- Placing more importance on the outward person (e.g., appearance, possessions, status, etc.) rather than the inward person
Tips for overcoming unworthiness:
- Allow yourself to receive joyfully and understand that it is God doing the giving!
- Learn to love yourself for who Christ made you to be
- Understand that your self-worth is based on who you are "in Christ"
- Focus on how you want to be now rather than the failures of your past
- Allow yourself to be forgiven of past sins
- Renew your mind with the scriptures
- Know you are loved and wanted by Jesus!
Assignment
- Download, print, and read the Unworthiness chapter below.
Lesson 5: Negative Self-Talk
Negative self-talk is a bad habit that if left unaddressed can develop into an addictive behavior. And, because we get good at what we practice, many have become really good at negative thinking. The average person thinks, “I’m not a negative thinker! I’m such a positive person!” However, did you know that most people have an average of 300 negative thoughts a day?! Our inner self-dialogue (the way we speak to ourselves) deeply affects our lives. It is one of the root causes of low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, a lack of energy and productivity, and even suicide. We know from scripture that the spiritual war occurs in our minds which is why Romans 12:2 says, "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."
Therefore, we can clearly see why healthy self-talk is so important to practice and cultivate. We need to learn how to choose our thoughts and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Empowering self-talk is a skill that has to be learned over time and takes daily practice.
Therefore, we can clearly see why healthy self-talk is so important to practice and cultivate. We need to learn how to choose our thoughts and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Empowering self-talk is a skill that has to be learned over time and takes daily practice.
Presentation: Renew Your Mind
What is Negative Self-Talk?
Negative self-talk is any unkind, untrue, unproductive, discompassionate, fearful, all-or-nothing, limiting, ungodly, unhealthy, or discouraging self-talk. For example, "No one appreciates me, I'm always taken advantage of!" It is any thought that makes us feel self-defeated, ugly, fearful, weak, insecure, incapable, angry, hopeless, guilty, unlovable, unworthy, depressed, discouraged, unsupported, worthless, and so on. A little self-criticism can be a good thing so the goal is not to eliminate healthy self-critical thoughts that can motivate us to take action.
Most Negative Self-Talk Begins With:
What is Empowering Self-Talk?
Empowering self-talk is any intentional, kind, true, encouraging, helpful, accountable, biblical, allowing, grateful, and compassionate self-talk. For example, "My time is valuable, and I give myself permission to say ‘no’ and ask for what I need.” It is any thought that makes us feel comforted, soothed, safe, relaxed, energized, special, strong, capable, lovable, free, forgiven, flexible, talented, attractive, accepted, in control, smart, supported, and so on.
Most Empowering Self-Talk Begins With:
Negative self-talk is any unkind, untrue, unproductive, discompassionate, fearful, all-or-nothing, limiting, ungodly, unhealthy, or discouraging self-talk. For example, "No one appreciates me, I'm always taken advantage of!" It is any thought that makes us feel self-defeated, ugly, fearful, weak, insecure, incapable, angry, hopeless, guilty, unlovable, unworthy, depressed, discouraged, unsupported, worthless, and so on. A little self-criticism can be a good thing so the goal is not to eliminate healthy self-critical thoughts that can motivate us to take action.
Most Negative Self-Talk Begins With:
- I can’t…
- I am not…
- I will never…
- I should…
- I always…
- No one…
- I wish…
- They must think…
- Why can’t I…
- I don’t have…
- All men/women/people are…
- What if…(fear-based)
- It’s all your/their fault…
- Nothing will ever…
What is Empowering Self-Talk?
Empowering self-talk is any intentional, kind, true, encouraging, helpful, accountable, biblical, allowing, grateful, and compassionate self-talk. For example, "My time is valuable, and I give myself permission to say ‘no’ and ask for what I need.” It is any thought that makes us feel comforted, soothed, safe, relaxed, energized, special, strong, capable, lovable, free, forgiven, flexible, talented, attractive, accepted, in control, smart, supported, and so on.
Most Empowering Self-Talk Begins With:
- I can…
- I am able…
- I will…
- I allow myself to…
- I have…
- I sometimes…
- Right now I am…
- Some people think…
- I could be…
- I choose to…
- Some men/women/people are…
- Some things are…
- I’m sorry…
- I played a role in…
Source of Negative Thoughts |
Detail |
The Enemy |
Spiritual battle (spiritual wickedness); the main battleground is in our mind. Ungodly involuntary thoughts are the fiery darts (thoughts that run contrary to God’s Word) from the enemy: Ephesians 6:16, “Above all, taking the shield of faith with which, you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.” Break agreement with these; Use the armor of God – Truth, Righteousness, Faith, Peace, Hope, The Sword of the Spirit (the Word). |
Others |
Family, Teachers, Friends, Pastors, Bosses, Co-workers, Coaches, Celebrities, Spouses, Parents |
Self (Sin) |
Gives way to distorted patterns of thinking, limiting mindsets, misbeliefs, disempowering inner vows, not being grounded in one’s identity, etc. |
Media |
TV, Movies, Music, Magazines, and Advertising. Conforms our way of thinking with the world. |
Distorted Thinking Patterns |
Description (Stinkin' Thinkin') |
Stewing |
Dwelling on or repeating negative thoughts in your mind |
Catastrophizing (Magnifying) |
Blowing things out of proportion; overreacting to a minor issue and drawing a negative conclusion |
All-or-Nothing |
Black-n-white thinking; swinging between the extremes; everything is a complete success or failure |
Fortune Telling |
Assuming the worse. Predicting negative future outcomes with limited information or knowledge; catastrophizing |
Mind Reading |
Negatively assuming what others are thinking with limited knowledge |
Minimizing |
Downplaying our accomplishments or attributes |
Personalization |
Taking things too personally; assuming everything happening around you is related to or about you |
Healthy Thinking Patterns |
Description (Healthy Ways of Thinking) |
Mindfulness |
Be intentional about stopping yourself from dwelling on bad experiences/thoughts; practice being more present and "in the moment" (not the past or the future) |
Forgiveness |
Practice forgiveness as a way of life; give yourself and others permission to make mistakes and learn from them |
Think Win-Win |
This is thinking that sees both sides of a situation that are mutually beneficial |
Assume the Best |
Assume positive outcomes, think "What if it does work?", "What if I can do it?", "Maybe they didn't mean that?", or "Maybe he was just trying to be helpful?", etc. |
Not All About You |
Consider that you may have nothing to do with other people's reactions; be more others minded |
Gratitude |
Practice thankfulness; as 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, God's will is that we give thanks in all circumstances; thankful people are happy people |
Misbeliefs
Misbeliefs are also a source of negative self-talk. A misbelief is a wrong or false belief or opinion (e.g., heresy, delusion, illusion, error, mistake, misconception). And, because our beliefs affect everything, letting misbeliefs go unchecked will affect our thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and destiny.
5 Mind Renewing Habits
Recap
To heal negative self-talk practice the following:
Misbeliefs are also a source of negative self-talk. A misbelief is a wrong or false belief or opinion (e.g., heresy, delusion, illusion, error, mistake, misconception). And, because our beliefs affect everything, letting misbeliefs go unchecked will affect our thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and destiny.
5 Mind Renewing Habits
- What are you focusing on? What you focus on grows, so choose thoughts you want to focus on—not the ones you don’t. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Learn to change the “channel” in your mind.
- What is the narrative you are listening to? Your “story” is the lens through which you see your life. Create a new, empowering narrative for yourself, one where your past isn’t projected onto your future. Remind yourself, “That was then, this is now.”
- What do you look for? Recondition your mind to highlight what is possible and good, rather than always seeing things from a disempowering, fearful perspective.
- What do you talk about? Our words have power and reinforce what we think and believe to be true. Start talking a “new talk” that will open up new neuropathways.
- What actions are you taking? Put your new thoughts into action! Shift from fear-based action to more faith-based action. God does not use fear to motivate us.
Recap
To heal negative self-talk practice the following:
- Correct distorted thinking patterns
- Correct misbeliefs
- Heal disordered mindsets
- Stop seeking others’ approval
- Know God’s point-of-view by knowing scripture
- Get grounded in your identity
- Break agreement with disempowering inner self-vows (Ex. "I will never depend on anyone ever again!")
- Practice the 5 mind renewing habits daily
4 Steps for Reframing Negative Thinking
Use the 4 steps below to help your clients stop negative thinking and renew their minds:
Step 1: Stop |
Stop negative thoughts (and words) right away! |
Step 2: Write |
Write down your negative thought (Ex. "No one understands me.") |
Step 3: Rethink |
Rethink the thought by asking the following questions:
|
Step 4: Renew |
Renew the thought with an empowering thought. Be sure the "new thought" is believable and makes you feel energized, empowered, and comforted (Ex. "I have valuable insights that may be better understood if I would try seeking to understand the other person's point-of-view first before I speak.") |
Use the Reframe Negative Self-Talk Worksheet (located in your ministry tool kit) with clients to help them practice reframing some of their negative thoughts. Remind them to practice daily!
Habits for your clients to cultivate:
Habits for your clients to cultivate:
- Be more compassionate and patient with yourself
- Let go of the need to be perfect
- Give yourself permission to make mistakes and to learn from them
- Discern what things are worth getting anxious about; most things aren't
- Downplay the negative and magnify the positive; don’t make things such a big deal
- Take responsibility for the way you think; practice choosing your thoughts
- Practice inner self-praise
- Learn to say things to yourself that are calming and soothing
- Let go of the need for other people’s approval
- Become your own best friend and safe person
- Practice slow deep-belly breathing to relax the mind and body
Assignment
Read the books below:
- Telling Yourself the Truth, by William Backus and Marie Chapian
- I Will Not Fear, by Mark Dejesus
- Review the following handout located in your ministry tool kit:
- Reframing Negative Self-Talk
Lesson 6: Anxiety and Depression
Anxiety and depression can have various root causes. Anxiety and depression often occur as a result of, or a combination of, some of the following reasons:
- Disordered thinking patterns
- Misbeliefs
- Unhealed traumas
- Holding onto unforgiveness
- A rejection mindset
- Excessive negative self-talk
- A lack of healthy personal boundaries
- Failure to be assertive
- Control issues
- Part of the grieving process from a recent loss or life change (see Illustration 1 below)
Illustration 1 - Five Stages of Grief (Kübler-Ross Model)
Video Teachings: The Need to Grieve and More on Anxiety
Depression
Download, print, and read the Depression document below.
Video Teachings: Depression
Is It Physical?
In some cases, chronic anxiety and depression can also be the result of physical ailments coming from such issues as:
The body is holistic therefore it is important to consider your clients could have imbalances related to their health when it comes to chronic issues such as anxiety and depression. When ministering to a client who is suffering with chronic anxiety and depression, it is wise to advise he or she be evaluated by their primary care physician to rule out any potential underlying physical conditions or causes. Additionally, you may suggest your client see a functional medicine doctor who can run a more specialized blood panels and check for any nutritional deficiencies, and so on. Also, you may want to suggest your client see a chiropractor who can check for any spinal misalignments and a holistic dentist who can evaluate their dental condition.
Lastly, poor nutrition and a lack of sleep can also be a contributing factor to anxiety and depression. Therefore, be sure to check-in with your client regarding his or her diet and sleep habits to see if he or she could benefit from healthier eating and sleeping habits. You may also want to share information with your client regarding supportive nutritional supplementation that may further support their recovery (see the Supplement and Herbal Suggestions section below).
- Hormonal imbalances
- Thyroid dysfunction
- Vitamin and mineral deficiencies
- Diabetes
- Heart issues
- Side effects of certain medications
- Dental issues; toxicity from root canals or cavitations
- Exposure to environmental toxins in a person's home/office/car
- Spinal misalignments; subluxation of the C1 vertebrae
The body is holistic therefore it is important to consider your clients could have imbalances related to their health when it comes to chronic issues such as anxiety and depression. When ministering to a client who is suffering with chronic anxiety and depression, it is wise to advise he or she be evaluated by their primary care physician to rule out any potential underlying physical conditions or causes. Additionally, you may suggest your client see a functional medicine doctor who can run a more specialized blood panels and check for any nutritional deficiencies, and so on. Also, you may want to suggest your client see a chiropractor who can check for any spinal misalignments and a holistic dentist who can evaluate their dental condition.
Lastly, poor nutrition and a lack of sleep can also be a contributing factor to anxiety and depression. Therefore, be sure to check-in with your client regarding his or her diet and sleep habits to see if he or she could benefit from healthier eating and sleeping habits. You may also want to share information with your client regarding supportive nutritional supplementation that may further support their recovery (see the Supplement and Herbal Suggestions section below).
Supplement and Herbal Suggestions
For clients who have chronic anxiety and depression, you may suggest they consider a few of the following beneficial supplements, herbs, or superfoods. Always encourage clients to CHECK WITH THEIR DOCTOR BEFORE TAKING ANY NEW SUPPLEMENT OR HERB:
- L-Tyrosine - This has been shown to help people who struggle with depression. It is an amino acid precursor of the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and dopamine. Taking L-Tyrosine on an empty stomach is supposed to cause an increase in norepinephrine and dopamine in the brain, which can lead to increased energy, alertness and improved moods, thus relieving depression. Vimergy brand L-Tyrosine is recommended.
- Rhodiola - This is a stress-busting supplement and is an adaptogen that helps the body adapt to stress by decreasing or preventing hormonal changes tied to prolonged stress. It is known to help fight depression and helps to balance cortisol levels. Rhodiola may help to increase the sensitivity of neurons (cells of the brain and nervous system), including the two neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine. Many functional medicine doctors prescribe rhodiola as an effective natural alternative to anti-depressant medications.
- 5-HTP - 5-HTP encourages the synthesis of serotonin, an important neurotransmitter involved in the regulation of endocrine and brain activity responsible for well-being and appetite. Research shows that using 5-HTP for depression may help alleviate depressive symptoms. Pure Encapsulations brand of 5-HTP is recommended.
- EPA and DHA (plant-based) - People who struggle with depression sometimes have low levels of EPA and DHA. Therefore, taking a high-quality EPA/DHA supplement can be beneficial. Vimergy brand EPA/DHA is recommended.
- Curcumin - This boosts serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain which helps to relieve anxiety and depression. Fusionary Formulas Turmeric Gold is recommended.
- Valerian Root - This contains gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA). GABA is a neurotransmitter in the central nervous system responsible for regulating and inhibiting the activity of the brain's neurons. GABA creates a calming effect in your brain and helps with stress and sleep. This may be beneficial for those suffering with chronic anxiety.
- Vitamin D3 - Vitamin D (a prohormone) has been shown to play a role in pathophysiology of depression. In studies where vitamin D was given to improve those with low levels of vitamin D it was reported that subjects experienced a marked improvement in energy and mood and virtually no depression. Getting 20 minutes of direct sunlight a day is the best way to get vitamin D. Taken as a supplement, Seeking Health Vitamin D3 + K2 is recommended.
- Lemon Balm - This herb is helpful in providing relief from nervous tension due to stress. This herb helps with relaxation. Vimergy Lemon Balm is recommended.
- Ashwagandha - This herb helps stabilize adrenals and minimizes adrenal surges. It also promotes a healthy stress response. Vimergy Ashwagandha is recommended.
- B Complex and B12 - A good B Complex supports the overall nervous system, and B12 is essential for normal function of the nervous system. Pure Encapsulations B Complex and Vimergy B12 are recommended.
- Cacao - Cacao is best known for its mood-enhancing and energy-boosting properties, and it is commonly known as the "food of the gods". Cacao contains high concentrations of tryptophan and serotonin, which help enhance mood and build up the body's stress-defense shield. It also contains anandamide, the "bliss chemical", and PEA (phenylethylamine), the "love chemical", which make us feel happy. For this reason, cacao is used as a natural anti-depressant and mood-enhancer. To receive the benefits of cacao it must be consumed in its raw form.
Video Teaching: The Importance of Nutrition
Assignment
- Complete the 15 Week Anxiety and Depression Course. This course will give you a complete working knowledge of anxiety and depression and will equip you to guide clients through overcoming these disorders.
- Read The Rules of Engagement for Overcoming Your Past, by Cindy Trimm.
Lesson 7: Assertive Behavior and Boundary Setting
Many of your clients will struggle in the area of assertive behavior and boundary setting. A fear of rejection, codependency, a lack of identity, and low self-esteem make it challenging for some people to love themselves enough to assert themselves, ask for what they need, and set healthy personal boundaries. A lack of assertive behavior and a resistance towards setting personal boundaries will cause a person to exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors and engage in dysfunctional communication (see Illustration 1 below). Poor boundaries and a lack of assertiveness can make a person susceptible to anxiety, depression, addictions, dysfunctional relationships, codependency, and abuse. When you discover that a client could use some support around boundary setting, first work with them on developing assertive behavior.
Illustration 1 - Passive-Assertive-Aggressive Pendulum
4 Steps for Assertive Communication
At this point in the module, you have completed the 15 Week Anxiety and Depression Course and have a working understanding of assertive behavior. If you feel you need a refresher, relisten to the audio teaching titled, "Session 7 - Assertive Behavior" from the course. Once your clients recognize the value of assertive behavior, they may get stuck when it comes to how to communicate assertively. To help, below are four easy-to-follow steps that your clients can use to communicate more assertively. Encourage your clients to be patient with themselves when they first begin practicing this new way of communication. Remind your clients that assertive communication is about speaking their truth and needs to others in a kind and loving way. This also means being mindful of their tone of voice and facial expressions. There will be times when they won't get it perfectly right, but they will learn each time how to tweak their communication. Note, not every situation will require them to use all four steps when communicating, but it is good to know all of them for the times when they do.
4 Steps for Assertive Communication
For example:
Another example:
Another example:
Another example:
During Your Sessions
Screenshare the handout titled 4 Steps for Assertive Communication (located in your ministry tool kit) during sessions and have clients practice role-playing different scenarios where they can practice speaking assertively. The more they practice speaking in this way, the better they will get at it.
4 Steps for Assertive Communication
- Step 1: Identify the person's behavior/action that triggered you ("When you...")
- Step 2: Communicate how it makes you feel (“I feel…”)
- Step 3: Communicate your need in love (“I need…”)
- Step 4: Ask for agreement ("Is this something you think you can do for me?")
For example:
- Step 1: When you interrupt me while I am speaking…
- Step 2: I feel unheard…
- Step 3: Do you think you could wait until I'm finished speaking and before giving your response...
- Step 4: Is this something you would be willing to do for me?
Another example:
- Step 2: Honey, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now...
- Step 3: Do you think you can help me finish the dishes tonight?
Another example:
- Step 3: I'm not available to watch your kids this weekend...
Another example:
- Step 1: When we are late for church each week...
- Step 2: I feel we are being disruptive to the service...
- Step 3: Do you think we can leave by 9:00 this Sunday so we can be on time for service?
During Your Sessions
Screenshare the handout titled 4 Steps for Assertive Communication (located in your ministry tool kit) during sessions and have clients practice role-playing different scenarios where they can practice speaking assertively. The more they practice speaking in this way, the better they will get at it.
Assignment
Read the books below:
- Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life, by Jan Black and Greg Enns
- 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen R. Covey
- Review the following handouts located in your ministry tool kit:
- Healthy Communication Habits
- Codependency Checklist
- Narcissism Checklist
- Codep-Narc Continuum
- Caregiving vs. Caretaking
Lesson 8: Ministering to Married Couples and Singles
As a Christian counselor, you will have many clients looking for support and direction with marriage, divorce, remarriage, and dating. For this reason, understanding what the scriptures teach regarding all of these situations is necessary. It is also important to know that these topics are highly debated within the Christian community. Therefore, you will want to establish a confidence around what the scriptures teach regarding these topics for yourself. And remember, God is for godly marriages and family, and he hates divorce. For this reason, the enemy is working harder than ever to destroy, pervert, and prevent godly marriages and the family unit. When counseling married couples try your best to speak reconciliation, restoration, and life back into the brokenness and division that has crept its way into their marriage.
Here are some key points to keep in mind:
Here are some key points to keep in mind:
- For those who are married, God's will is for married people to remain married for life and work to reconcile any differences. God makes it clear that he hates divorce, and that marriage is a lifelong relationship (Malachi 2:16). Believers who are married are not to divorce, but if they do, they are to remain single or be reconciled (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). Godly marriages are only between a man and a woman.
- For believers who are married to an unbelieving spouse, they are to remain married. But if the unbelieving spouse wishes to divorce, let them go, in such situations the believing spouse is no longer bound to that marriage (1 Corinthians 7:12-16).
- For those who are divorced, if their former spouse has not remarried yet they should ask themselves, "Is there a possibility for reconciliation?" However, if their former spouse has already remarried, then there is no opportunity to reconcile that marriage. God does not want them to breakup their former spouse's marriage in an attempt to remarry their former spouse (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).
- For those who are remarried, contrary to many false teachings, their marriage is valid in God's eyes, and they are not living in a perpetual state of adultery. God's desire is for them to be the best husband or wife they can be in the marriage they are now in. God's will for marriage is that it be for life. However, when a remarriage occurs, the possibility for returning to the original spouse is no longer an option (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).
- For those who are single, they should abstain from sex until they are married (sex outside of marriage is the sin of fornication). God commands those who cannot control their sexual desires, to marry (1 Corinthians 7:9). For believers who want to marry, they are to "marry in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:39).
- For those who are struggling with homosexuality, it is important to understand that this is a sexual sin (along with fornication, adultery, pedophilia, and bestiality) and is a spiritual issue. A person is not "born homosexual"; this is a lie perpetrated in society by the enemy. Homosexual marriage is not recognized by God as it goes against the natural order put in place by the Creator. Those struggling with this sin prefer to do things "their way" rather than "God's way" (i.e., Romans 1:25-28, "...they did not like to retain God in their knowledge...") which is a form of idolatry. For more detail on this topic please watch this video.
God's Order for Family
God uses marriage and family to help grow us. If we take a closer look at the marriage relationship, scripture states that the husband is to "love his wife just as Christ loves the church" and to love her as his own body. A husband is given the responsibility of being the head of (or covering for) his wife. Scripture commands wives to "submit to your husbands as to the Lord". Wives are to respect their husbands and submit to their husband's authority as their head (Ephesians 5:21-33). The main reason for failed marriages is the disobedience on the part of both spouses to live out these commands consistently within their marriage. When a husband fails to love his wife and a wife fails to respect her husband, they get caught in what is called the crazy cycle. When married couples find themselves caught in this crazy cycle, and they continue in it, their marriages often times will end in divorce.
Fortunately, there is hope! By showing the couple how they can re-engage in what is called the reward cycle they can restore the love and respect that has broken down within their marriage. The husband can break the crazy cycle by asking himself, "Am I loving my wife in ways that will earn her respect?". The wife can break the crazy cycle by asking herself, "Am I respecting my husband in ways that will cause him to show me the love I so need?" The Love & Respect book below will go into much more detail about this destructive crazy cycle and will show you how to help your married clients re-engage in the reward cycle.
Fortunately, there is hope! By showing the couple how they can re-engage in what is called the reward cycle they can restore the love and respect that has broken down within their marriage. The husband can break the crazy cycle by asking himself, "Am I loving my wife in ways that will earn her respect?". The wife can break the crazy cycle by asking herself, "Am I respecting my husband in ways that will cause him to show me the love I so need?" The Love & Respect book below will go into much more detail about this destructive crazy cycle and will show you how to help your married clients re-engage in the reward cycle.
Video Teachings
Assignment
The books below are some of the best resources available on the topic of marriage, communication, and sexual and emotional integrity. The material in these books and handouts will help you minister adequate support and guidance to both married couples and singles alike.
Read the books below:
Read the books below:
- Love & Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs
- Marriage on the Rock, by Jimmy Evans
- Telling Each Other the Truth, by William Backus
- Every Woman's Battle, by Shannon Ethridge
- Every Man's Battle, by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
- Review the following handouts located in your ministry tool kit:
- Her Needs in a Marriage
- His Needs in a Marriage
Lesson 9: Addiction
According to Jimmy Monaghan from Celebrate Recovery (who has a Clinical MA in Counseling Psychology), addiction is the “occupying of oneself with, or involving oneself in, something habitual or compulsive. Engaging in a behavior, or the ingestion of a substance, that creates life unmanageability.” Addiction, at its root, is a bad habit. It is an act of rebellion which has become habitual or ritualistic and, depending on the addiction, can develop into a physical dependency. Active addiction is when a person continually uses/engages in something to temporarily soothe inner pain/fear/conflict which offers the addict a "quick hit" of temporary relief and escape (see list below). This relief will last only until the original pain/fear/conflict is felt again, then the need to soothe or escape (experienced as a craving) reoccurs, keeping the addict caught in a cycle of addiction (see Illustration 1 below). Addicts often have a "fear of emptiness" (because they are not grounded in love which creates a love void in their hearts) and a lack of self-love. Addicts will attempt to "fill" this emptiness or love void with their addiction. This emptiness is the place where God's love needs to move in and fill rather than the addiction. For this reason, when counseling clients who are struggling with addiction it is best to work them through the "God Loves Me and I Love Myself" book first (see Lesson 1 above in this module for details). Also, inquire to see if your client has any rejection wounds that may need to also be addressed.
Addictions can take on many forms, such as:
Cycle of Addiction
The cycle of addiction usually progresses through the following stages:
Addictions can take on many forms, such as:
- Food addiction
- Video gaming addiction
- TV, YouTube, Internet addiction
- Social addiction (craving to be socializing)
- Gossip addiction
- Thinking addiction (negative thinking or over thinking)
- Knowledge addiction (craving to know more)
- Alcohol and drug addiction
- Sex addiction (lust, promiscuity, and affairs)
- Pornography addiction
- Love addiction
- Anger addiction
- Approval addiction
- Work addiction
- Gambling addiction
- Shopping addiction
- Exercise addiction
- And so on
Cycle of Addiction
The cycle of addiction usually progresses through the following stages:
- Pain/Fear/Conflict (emotional trigger)
- Need to act out (cravings)
- Acting out (using or engaging in addictive behavior)
- Temporary relief (the "quick hit")
- Consequences and guilt, PLUS the original pain
Illustration 1 - Cycle of Addiction
How do we know when we have an addiction? One way to litmus test this is to ask yourself (and your clients), "If you were to stop this behavior for 1 week do cravings arise?" If yes, then you are addicted. If no cravings arise, then you are not addicted.
People struggling with addictions often have one or more of the follow areas of challenge:
When counseling an addict, it is important to identify and resolve the root cause of his or her pain/fear/conflict. It is this pain/fear/conflict that is keeping the addiction cycle going. When addicts truly heal their wounded hearts and renew their minds the "need to relieve the pain" by means of addiction will gradually fall away. The more an addict can receive and experience God's love, learn how to love and treasure themselves, and get grounded in their identity the less they will want to engage in destructive habits and behaviors.
Additionally, behavior modification is also part of the healing journey for addicts. However, just telling addicts not to do something they want to do doesn't work - this will usually make them want to do it more! Using the "push method" can be beneficial. This is where you get them to focus on adding healthy habits to their lives that will "push out" the destructive habits. We see an example of this in Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." This verse tells us to focus our attention on what is true, honest, just, pure, and virtuous; encouraging us to focus on what we "do want" rather than on what we "don't want".
Steps For Breaking the Addiction Cycle:
When an addict is ready to seek counseling for overcoming his or her addiction, the most important thing to remember is never refer to him or her as an addict! Many addicts will come to you believing their addiction defines them. This is one of the major blocks to their recovery and is something you will want to help them break free of. Their addiction is not a part of their identity, nor is it a disease. It is a bad habit that they need to stop engaging in and submitting to. Assuming the addict is a Christian, he or she is a child of God and a member of the Body of Christ. Thus, it is important to reinforce this to your Christian clients who are struggling with addiction by helping them to get grounded in their identity "in Christ". For those who are unbelievers, it is also true that their addiction is not who they are. As you work with them on healing their inner wounds, it will also be important to look for opportunities to minister the gospel of grace to them.
When To Recommend a Rehab Treatment Facility
When you have clients who are in active addiction - especially if they are using drugs or alcohol - you may want to recommend they go to a rehab treatment facility that deals specifically with their type of addiction. It will be difficult for them to do the inner work on themselves they need to do if they have not fully detoxed out the harmful substances they have been consuming. You can still continue to counsel them, but it should be part of a larger treatment plan that includes the involvement of a rehab treatment facility. One way you can facilitate this conversation with such a client is to research treatment centers in your client's area and set up a call with one of the representatives from that treatment center to explain your client's situation with them further. From there, you can then provide your client with the name and number of the representative and encourage him or her to call directly.
People struggling with addictions often have one or more of the follow areas of challenge:
- Low-self esteem
- Difficulty receiving and experiencing God's love
- Excessive negative self-talk, unhealthy inner self-dialogue
- Unforgiveness, most often toward self
- Identity ignorance or confusion
- Lack of purpose/boredom
- A rejection mindset
- Pattern of habitual sin, not submitting to God (1 Cor. 10:13)
- Codependency
- Feeling out of control
- Lack of boundaries and difficulty being assertive
- Unhealed trauma
- Ignorance of God's word
When counseling an addict, it is important to identify and resolve the root cause of his or her pain/fear/conflict. It is this pain/fear/conflict that is keeping the addiction cycle going. When addicts truly heal their wounded hearts and renew their minds the "need to relieve the pain" by means of addiction will gradually fall away. The more an addict can receive and experience God's love, learn how to love and treasure themselves, and get grounded in their identity the less they will want to engage in destructive habits and behaviors.
Additionally, behavior modification is also part of the healing journey for addicts. However, just telling addicts not to do something they want to do doesn't work - this will usually make them want to do it more! Using the "push method" can be beneficial. This is where you get them to focus on adding healthy habits to their lives that will "push out" the destructive habits. We see an example of this in Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." This verse tells us to focus our attention on what is true, honest, just, pure, and virtuous; encouraging us to focus on what we "do want" rather than on what we "don't want".
Steps For Breaking the Addiction Cycle:
- Address the root cause of the original pain/fear/conflict
- Receive God's love (refer to Lesson 1 in this module)
- Cultivate healthy self-esteem and self-love
- Create a plan for practicing healthier habits (a.k.a. the "push method")
When an addict is ready to seek counseling for overcoming his or her addiction, the most important thing to remember is never refer to him or her as an addict! Many addicts will come to you believing their addiction defines them. This is one of the major blocks to their recovery and is something you will want to help them break free of. Their addiction is not a part of their identity, nor is it a disease. It is a bad habit that they need to stop engaging in and submitting to. Assuming the addict is a Christian, he or she is a child of God and a member of the Body of Christ. Thus, it is important to reinforce this to your Christian clients who are struggling with addiction by helping them to get grounded in their identity "in Christ". For those who are unbelievers, it is also true that their addiction is not who they are. As you work with them on healing their inner wounds, it will also be important to look for opportunities to minister the gospel of grace to them.
When To Recommend a Rehab Treatment Facility
When you have clients who are in active addiction - especially if they are using drugs or alcohol - you may want to recommend they go to a rehab treatment facility that deals specifically with their type of addiction. It will be difficult for them to do the inner work on themselves they need to do if they have not fully detoxed out the harmful substances they have been consuming. You can still continue to counsel them, but it should be part of a larger treatment plan that includes the involvement of a rehab treatment facility. One way you can facilitate this conversation with such a client is to research treatment centers in your client's area and set up a call with one of the representatives from that treatment center to explain your client's situation with them further. From there, you can then provide your client with the name and number of the representative and encourage him or her to call directly.
Assignment
- Read chapter 12 in the book Unshackled: Breaking Strongholds from Your Past, by Kathy DeGraw
Lesson 10: Abuse
Abuse takes on many different forms including verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, mental, and spiritual abuse. When a person finds themselves the victim of abuse, it is important that they examine their role in the abuse cycle. Those who remain in abusive situations play the role of "enabler" by enabling their abuser's behavior. Enabling behavior is just as dysfunctional as the abuse itself and is usually the result of such things as:
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Do You:
Does Your Partner:
Abuse is about power and control (see Illustration 1 below).
- Failure to enforce boundaries
- Failure to establish consequences for abusive behavior
- Low self-esteem
- Fear
- Ignorance, lack of know-how
- Not having an action plan
- Not having adequate support or resources
- A false hope that things will be better "the next time"
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Do You:
- Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
- Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
- Feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
- Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
- Wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
- Feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does Your Partner:
- Humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
- Treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
- Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
- Blame you for his or her own abusive behavior?
- See you as a sex object, rather than as a person?
Abuse is about power and control (see Illustration 1 below).
Illustration 1 - Power and Control Abuse Wheel
When ministering to a victim of abuse, the first consideration needs to be his or her safety. If your client is in a life threatening or unsafe situation, then you will want to help him or her establish a "safety plan" before engaging him or her in any further work. This could mean your client may need to move to a location away from his or her abuser or even get a restraining order. Once your client is safe, then you can counsel and support him or her in other areas of growth.
Abuse plays itself out in cycles. In order to end the abuse cycle, the victim of abuse needs to engage in the cycle of personal responsibility (see Illustration 2). Once such a person is ready to break the abuse cycle, you can work with him or her to create a plan of action and hold him or her accountable for moving forward with it. Be sure to address other areas of challenge that your client may have, as mentioned above.
Abuse plays itself out in cycles. In order to end the abuse cycle, the victim of abuse needs to engage in the cycle of personal responsibility (see Illustration 2). Once such a person is ready to break the abuse cycle, you can work with him or her to create a plan of action and hold him or her accountable for moving forward with it. Be sure to address other areas of challenge that your client may have, as mentioned above.
Illustration 2 - Cycle of Abuse and Cycle of Personal Responsibility
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The Cycle of Abuse
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The Cycle of Personal Responsibility
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Assignment
- Read It's Not Okay Anymore, Your Personal Guide to Ending Abuse, by Greg Enns.
Lesson 11: End Times
Given the times we are living in, you will have clients who need counseling in this area. There will be clients who contact you having a lot of fear around the "end times" and who are looking for a biblical perspective on how to respond to what is occurring in the world around them. Therefore, you need to stay on top of current events and have a solid understanding of biblical end time prophecy. If you don't have a clear understanding of end time prophecy, I recommend that you do not engage in these discussions with clients until you do. In such cases, you can refer them to their pastor for further discussion.
Assignment
- Write a brief summary explaining your understanding of end times prophecy and how it applies to world events today and submit it using the "Have a Question?" form below.
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