Lesson 5: Negative Self-Talk
Negative self-talk is a bad habit that if left unaddressed can develop into an addictive behavior. And, because we get good at what we practice, many have become really good at negative thinking. The average person thinks, “I’m not a negative thinker! I’m such a positive person!” However, did you know that most people have an average of 300 negative thoughts a day?! Our inner self-dialogue (the way we speak to ourselves) deeply affects our lives. It is one of the root causes of low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, a lack of energy and productivity, and even suicide. We know from scripture that the spiritual war occurs in our minds which is why Romans 12:2 says, "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."
Therefore, we can clearly see why healthy self-talk is so important to practice and cultivate. We need to learn how to choose our thoughts and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Empowering self-talk is a skill that has to be learned over time and takes daily practice.
Therefore, we can clearly see why healthy self-talk is so important to practice and cultivate. We need to learn how to choose our thoughts and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Empowering self-talk is a skill that has to be learned over time and takes daily practice.
Presentation: Renew Your Mind
What is Negative Self-Talk?
Negative self-talk is any unkind, untrue, unproductive, discompassionate, fearful, all-or-nothing, limiting, ungodly, unhealthy, or discouraging self-talk. For example, "No one appreciates me, I'm always taken advantage of!" It is any thought that makes us feel self-defeated, ugly, fearful, weak, insecure, incapable, angry, hopeless, guilty, unlovable, unworthy, depressed, discouraged, unsupported, worthless, and so on. A little self-criticism can be a good thing so the goal is not to eliminate healthy self-critical thoughts that can motivate us to take action.
Most Negative Self-Talk Begins With:
What is Empowering Self-Talk?
Empowering self-talk is any intentional, kind, true, encouraging, helpful, accountable, biblical, allowing, grateful, and compassionate self-talk. For example, "My time is valuable, and I give myself permission to say ‘no’ and ask for what I need.” It is any thought that makes us feel comforted, soothed, safe, relaxed, energized, special, strong, capable, lovable, free, forgiven, flexible, talented, attractive, accepted, in control, smart, supported, and so on.
Most Empowering Self-Talk Begins With:
Negative self-talk is any unkind, untrue, unproductive, discompassionate, fearful, all-or-nothing, limiting, ungodly, unhealthy, or discouraging self-talk. For example, "No one appreciates me, I'm always taken advantage of!" It is any thought that makes us feel self-defeated, ugly, fearful, weak, insecure, incapable, angry, hopeless, guilty, unlovable, unworthy, depressed, discouraged, unsupported, worthless, and so on. A little self-criticism can be a good thing so the goal is not to eliminate healthy self-critical thoughts that can motivate us to take action.
Most Negative Self-Talk Begins With:
- I can’t…
- I am not…
- I will never…
- I should…
- I always…
- No one…
- I wish…
- They must think…
- Why can’t I…
- I don’t have…
- All men/women/people are…
- What if…(fear-based)
- It’s all your/their fault…
- Nothing will ever…
What is Empowering Self-Talk?
Empowering self-talk is any intentional, kind, true, encouraging, helpful, accountable, biblical, allowing, grateful, and compassionate self-talk. For example, "My time is valuable, and I give myself permission to say ‘no’ and ask for what I need.” It is any thought that makes us feel comforted, soothed, safe, relaxed, energized, special, strong, capable, lovable, free, forgiven, flexible, talented, attractive, accepted, in control, smart, supported, and so on.
Most Empowering Self-Talk Begins With:
- I can…
- I am able…
- I will…
- I allow myself to…
- I have…
- I sometimes…
- Right now I am…
- Some people think…
- I could be…
- I choose to…
- Some men/women/people are…
- Some things are…
- I’m sorry…
- I played a role in…
Source of Negative Thoughts |
Detail |
The Enemy |
Spiritual battle (spiritual wickedness); the main battleground is in our mind. Ungodly involuntary thoughts are the fiery darts (thoughts that run contrary to God’s Word) from the enemy: Ephesians 6:16, “Above all, taking the shield of faith with which, you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.” Break agreement with these; Use the armor of God – Truth, Righteousness, Faith, Peace, Hope, The Sword of the Spirit (the Word). |
Others |
Family, Teachers, Friends, Pastors, Bosses, Co-workers, Coaches, Celebrities, Spouses, Parents |
Self (Sin) |
Gives way to distorted patterns of thinking, limiting mindsets, misbeliefs, disempowering inner vows, not being grounded in one’s identity, etc. |
Media |
TV, Movies, Music, Magazines, and Advertising. Conforms our way of thinking with the world. |
Distorted Thinking Patterns |
Description (Stinkin' Thinkin') |
Stewing |
Dwelling on or repeating negative thoughts in your mind |
Catastrophizing (Magnifying) |
Blowing things out of proportion; overreacting to a minor issue and drawing a negative conclusion |
All-or-Nothing |
Black-n-white thinking; swinging between the extremes; everything is a complete success or failure |
Fortune Telling |
Assuming the worse. Predicting negative future outcomes with limited information or knowledge; catastrophizing |
Mind Reading |
Negatively assuming what others are thinking with limited knowledge |
Minimizing |
Downplaying our accomplishments or attributes |
Personalization |
Taking things too personally; assuming everything happening around you is related to or about you |
Healthy Thinking Patterns |
Description (Healthy Ways of Thinking) |
Mindfulness |
Be intentional about stopping yourself from dwelling on bad experiences/thoughts; practice being more present and "in the moment" (not the past or the future) |
Forgiveness |
Practice forgiveness as a way of life; give yourself and others permission to make mistakes and learn from them |
Think Win-Win |
This is thinking that sees both sides of a situation that are mutually beneficial |
Assume the Best |
Assume positive outcomes, think "What if it does work?", "What if I can do it?", "Maybe they didn't mean that?", or "Maybe he was just trying to be helpful?", etc. |
Not All About You |
Consider that you may have nothing to do with other people's reactions; be more others minded |
Gratitude |
Practice thankfulness; as 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, God's will is that we give thanks in all circumstances; thankful people are happy people |
Misbeliefs
Misbeliefs are also a source of negative self-talk. A misbelief is a wrong or false belief or opinion (e.g., heresy, delusion, illusion, error, mistake, misconception). And, because our beliefs affect everything, letting misbeliefs go unchecked will affect our thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and destiny.
5 Mind Renewing Habits
Recap
To heal negative self-talk practice the following:
Misbeliefs are also a source of negative self-talk. A misbelief is a wrong or false belief or opinion (e.g., heresy, delusion, illusion, error, mistake, misconception). And, because our beliefs affect everything, letting misbeliefs go unchecked will affect our thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and destiny.
5 Mind Renewing Habits
- What are you focusing on? What you focus on grows, so choose thoughts you want to focus on—not the ones you don’t. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Learn to change the “channel” in your mind.
- What is the narrative you are listening to? Your “story” is the lens through which you see your life. Create a new, empowering narrative for yourself, one where your past isn’t projected onto your future. Remind yourself, “That was then, this is now.”
- What do you look for? Recondition your mind to highlight what is possible and good, rather than always seeing things from a disempowering, fearful perspective.
- What do you talk about? Our words have power and reinforce what we think and believe to be true. Start talking a “new talk” that will open up new neuropathways.
- What actions are you taking? Put your new thoughts into action! Shift from fear-based action to more faith-based action. God does not use fear to motivate us.
Recap
To heal negative self-talk practice the following:
- Correct distorted thinking patterns
- Correct misbeliefs
- Heal disordered mindsets
- Stop seeking others’ approval
- Know God’s point-of-view by knowing scripture
- Get grounded in your identity
- Break agreement with disempowering inner self-vows (Ex. "I will never depend on anyone ever again!")
- Practice the 5 mind renewing habits daily
4 Steps for Reframing Negative Thinking
Use the 4 steps below to help your clients reframe negative thinking:
Step 1: Stop |
Stop negative thoughts (and words) right away! |
Step 2: Write |
Write down your negative thought (Ex. "No one understands me.") |
Step 3: Rethink |
Rethink the thought by asking the following questions:
|
Step 4: Renew |
Renew the thought with an empowering thought. Be sure the "new thought" is believable and makes you feel energized, empowered, and comforted (Ex. "I have valuable insights that may be better understood if I would try seeking to understand the other person's point-of-view first before I speak.") |
Habits you can encourage your clients to cultivate:
- Be more compassionate and patient with yourself
- Let go of the need to be perfect
- Give yourself permission to make mistakes and to learn from them
- Discern what things are worth getting anxious about; most things aren't
- Downplay the negative and magnify the positive; don’t make things such a big deal
- Take responsibility for the way you think; practice choosing your thoughts
- Practice inner self-praise
- Learn to say things to yourself that are calming and soothing
- Let go of the need for other people’s approval
- Become your own best friend and safe person
- Practice slow deep-belly breathing to relax the mind and body
Assignment
Read the books below:
- Telling Yourself the Truth, by William Backus and Marie Chapian
- I Will Not Fear, by Mark Dejesus