Lesson 4: Assertiveness & Personal Boundaries

Do you feel like people are always taking advantage of you? Do you find yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally burnt out most of the time? Do you tend to avoid conflict because you don't know how to navigate challenging conversations? Is asking others for what you need really uncomfortable for you? Do you find yourself being either too passive or too aggressive in your relationships? If you answered yes to most of these questions, then a lack of assertiveness and weak boundaries are the problem.

The good news is this lesson will strengthen you in these areas. You will learn what assertive behavior is and how to begin communicating more assertively. You will also learn the need for and purpose of personal boundaries and how to establish, maintain, and enforce them for yourself! To complete this lesson, read the material in the white block, listen to the audio teaching and podcast discussion, and complete the assignment below.

Assertiveness

Many people struggle in the area of assertive behavior and boundary setting. A fear of rejection, codependency, a lack of identity, and low self-esteem make it challenging for some people to love themselves enough to assert themselves, ask for what they need, and set healthy personal boundaries. A lack of assertive behavior and a resistance towards setting personal boundaries will cause a person to exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors and engage in dysfunctional communication (see Illustration 1 below). Poor boundaries and a lack of assertiveness can make a person susceptible to anxiety, depression, addictions, dysfunctional relationships, codependency, and abuse. When you discover that you need support around boundary setting, you will first want to work on developing assertive behavior (see the audio teaching below).

Illustration 1 - Passive-Assertive-Aggressive Pendulum

Audio Teaching: Assertive Behavior

Listen to the audio teaching below and take notes as you listen. Note, this lesson is part of a larger course and is lesson 7 from that course. After you finish this teaching, be sure to start practicing what you learned. Assertive behavior is a skill, and it will require practice. See the 4 steps below for an easy-to-follow guide for how to start communicating more assertively. Remember, practice, practice, practice!

Practice: 4 Steps for Assertive Communication

Once you recognize the value of assertive behavior you may get stuck when it comes to how to communicate assertively. Assertive communication is about speaking your truth and needs to others in a kind and loving way. This also means being mindful of your tone of voice and facial expressions. Below are four steps to help you when it comes time to assert yourself in a situation. When you first begin practicing this new way of communication, be patient with yourself. There will be times when you won't get it perfectly right, but that is ok, you will learn how to tweak your communication as you go. Note, not every situation will require you to use all four steps below when communicating but it is good to know all of them for the times when you do.

4 Steps for Assertive Communication

Step 1: Identify the person's behavior/action that triggered you ("When you...")
Step 2: Communicate how it makes you feel (“I feel…”)
Step 3: Communicate your need in love (“I need…”)
Step 4: Ask for agreement ("Is this something you think you can do for me?")

For example:

Step 1: When you interrupt me while I am speaking…
Step 2: It makes me feel unheard…
Step 3: It would help me feel heard if you could wait until I'm finished speaking and then give your response…
Step 4: Do you think you can do that for me?

Test Example

Try this test example - How would you ask someone who tends to be late for things to please hurry up so that you will not be late to an important event?

Suggested response to test example:

Step 1: When we are late to important events…
Step 2: It makes me feel rushed and anxious…
Step 3: I would feel less anxious if you could be ready by 6:00 tonight so that we can be on time for our show…
Step 4: Do you think you can do that for me?

Note: You don’t need to say it in the exact step-by-step order. Once you have identified the above, you may consider making it more conversational like this:

“Sweetheart, I like when we leave on time for events because it helps me feel less anxious when we don’t have to rush. It would really mean a lot to me if we can leave at 6:00 for the show tonight. Is this something you can do for me? Is there anything I can help you with to get ready?”

Now think of a situation in your life where you need to assert yourself. Using the worksheet below and following the steps above, craft an assertive response. Keep practicing! Remember, you get really good at what you practice.

Healthy Communication Worksheet
File Size:	20 kb
File Type:	docx

Download File

Podcast: Discussing Boundaries

Episode: What are Boundaries and Why Are They Important to Have?

Assignment

Read Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life, by Jan Black & Greg Enns.