Assertiveness & Personal Boundaries

Do you feel like people are always taking advantage of you? Do you find yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally burnt out most of the time? Do you tend to avoid conflict because you don't know how to navigate challenging conversations? Is asking others for what you need really uncomfortable for you? Do you find yourself being either too passive or too aggressive in your relationships? If you answered yes to most of these questions, then a lack of assertiveness and weak boundaries are the problem.

The good news is this lesson can help strengthen you in these areas. You will learn what assertive behavior is and how to begin communicating more assertively. You will also learn the need for and purpose of personal boundaries and how to establish, maintain, and enforce them for yourself. To complete this lesson, read the material in the white block, listen to the audio teaching and podcast discussion, and complete the assignment below.

Assertiveness

Many people struggle in the area of assertive behavior and boundary setting. A fear of rejection, codependency, a lack of identity, low self-esteem, or simply just a lack of know-how can make it challenging for some people to love themselves enough to assert themselves, ask for what they need, and set healthy personal boundaries. A lack of assertive behavior and a resistance towards setting personal boundaries will cause a person to exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors and engage in dysfunctional communication habits (see Illustration 1 below). Poor boundaries and a lack of assertiveness can make a person susceptible to anxiety, depression, addictions, dysfunctional relationships, codependency, and abuse. When you discover that you need support around boundary setting, you will first want to develop the skill of assertive behavior and communication (listen to the audio teaching below for more on this).

​Illustration 1 - Passive-Assertive-Aggressive Pendulum

Source: Image above from the book, "It's Not Okay Anymore, Your Personal Guide to Ending Abuse" by Greg Enns 

Audio Teaching: Assertive Behavior

Listen to the audio teaching below and take notes as you listen. Note, this lesson is part of a larger 15-week course and is lesson 7 from that course. After you finish this teaching, be sure to start practicing what you have learned. Assertive behavior is a skill, and it will require practice. See the 4 steps below for an easy-to-follow guide for how to start communicating more assertively. Remember, practice, practice, practice!

Practice: 4 Steps for Assertive Communication

Once you recognize the value of assertive behavior you may get stuck when it comes to how to communicate assertively. Assertive communication is about speaking your truth and needs to others in a kind and loving way. This also means being mindful of your tone of voice and facial expressions. Below are four steps to help you when it comes time to assert yourself in a situation. Take notice of the use of "I statements" in the steps below. When you first begin practicing this new way of communication, be patient with yourself. There will be times when you won't get it perfectly right, but that is okay, you will learn how to tweak your communication as you go. Note, not every situation will require you to use all four steps below when communicating but it is good to know all of them for the times when you do.

4 Steps for Assertive Communication

• Step 1:  Identify the person's behavior/action that triggered you ("When you...")
• Step 2:  Communicate how it makes you feel (“I feel…”)
• Step 3:  Communicate your need in love (“I need…”)
• Step 4:  Ask for agreement ("Is this something you think you can do for me?")

For example:

• Step 1:  When you interrupt me while I am speaking…
• Step 2:  I feel unheard…
• Step 3:  Do you think you could wait until I'm finished speaking and then give your response…
• Step 4:  Is this something you would be willing to do for me?

Another example:

• Step 2: Honey, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now...
• Step 3: Do you think you can help me finish the dishes tonight?

Another example:

• Step 3: I'm not available to watch your kids this weekend, perhaps another time.

 
Another example:

• Step 1:  When we are late for church each week...
• Step 2:  I feel we are being disruptive to the service...
• Step 3:  Do you think we can leave by 9:00 this Sunday so we can be on time for service?

Now think of a situation in your life where you need to assert yourself. Using the steps above, see if you can come up with an assertive response. Keep practicing! Remember, you get really good at what you practice. Also, below is a handout outlining some healthy communication habits that will be helpful to keep in mind when communicating.

Healthy Communication Habits
File Size:	21 kb
File Type:	docx

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Podcast: Discussing Boundaries 

• Episode: What Are Boundaries and Why Are They Important to Have?

Assignment: Healthy Personal Boundaries

• Read Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life, by Jan Black & Greg Enns.​​