Lesson 7: Marriage & Relationships

Are you struggling in your marriage? Are you divorced and wondering if God is okay with you getting remarried? Are you remarried and wondering if you are living in sin? Are you single and need some dating advise? Do you want to learn more about godly marriage? If so, what you will learn in this lesson will help you move forward in any of these areas. To complete this lesson, read the material in the white block, watch the video teachings, podcast discussion (for single women), and complete the reading assignments. Read what you feel best applies to your situation.

Married, Divorced, Remarried, or Dating

The biggest area of struggle for most people is relationships, especially the marriage relationship. Albeit challenging, maintaining healthy relationships in our lives is the most rewarding and live-giving thing we can do for ourselves. This is why most of us need more knowledge and support understanding marriage, divorce, remarriage, and/or dating. To begin with, let's start by taking a closer look at what the scriptures teach regarding all of these situations. And remember, God is for godly marriages and family, and he hates divorce. For this reason, the enemy is working harder than ever to destroy, pervert, and prevent godly marriages and the family unit.

Here are some quick pointers to keep in mind:

• For those who are married, God's will is that you would remain married for life and work to reconcile any differences. Godly marriage is one between a man and a women; homosexual marriage is not honored by the Most High (Romans 1:26-28). God makes it clear that he hates divorce and that marriage is a lifelong covenant relationship (Malachi 2:16). Believers who are married are not to divorce, but if they do, they are to remain single or be reconciled (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). Godly marriages are between a man and a woman.
• For believers who are married to an unbelieving spouse, you are to remain married. But if the unbelieving spouse wishes to divorce, let them go, in such situations the believing spouse is no longer bound to that marriage (1 Corinthians 7:12-16).
• For those who are divorced, if your former spouse has not yet remarried ask yourself, "Is there a possibility for reconciliation?" However, if your former spouse has already remarried, then there is no opportunity to reconcile that marriage. God does not want you to breakup your former spouse's marriage in an attempt to remarry him or her again (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).
• For those who are remarried, contrary to many false teachings, your marriage is valid, and you are not living in a perpetual state of adultery. God's desire is for you to be the best husband or wife you can be in the marriage you are now in. God's will for marriage is that it be for life. However, when a remarriage occurs, the possibility for returning to the original spouse is no longer an option (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).
• For those who are single, God's best for your life is that you abstain from sex until you are married (sex outside of marriage is the sin of fornication). God commands those who cannot control their sexual desires, to marry (1 Corinthians 7:9). For believers who want to marry, they are to "marry in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:39).
  
• For those who are struggling with homosexuality, it is important to understand that this is a sexual sin (along with fornication, adultery, pedophilia, and bestiality) and is a spiritual issue. A person is not "born homosexual"; this is a lie perpetrated in society by the enemy. Homosexual marriage is not recognized by God as it goes against the natural order put in place by the Creator. Those struggling with this sin prefer to do things "their way" rather than "God's way" (i.e., Romans 1:25-28, "...they did not like to retain God in their knowledge...") which is a form of idolatry. For more detail on this topic please watch this video. 

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Now, let's take a closer look at the marriage relationship. God uses marriage and family to help grow us. For the husband, scripture states he is to "love his wife just as Christ loves the church" and to "love her as his own body". A husband is given the responsibility of being the head of (or covering for) his wife. For wives, scripture says "submit to your husbands as to the Lord." Wives are to respect their husbands and submit to their husband's authority as their head (Ephesians 5:21-33). The main reason for failed marriages is the disobedience on the part of both spouses to consistently live out these commands within their marriage. Just because your spouse may not be walking in obedience to his or her instruction from the Lord in the marriage, it is not an excuse for you to walk in disobedience.

When a husband fails to love his wife and a wife fails to respect her husband, they get caught in what is called the crazy cycle. When married couples find themselves caught in this crazy cycle, and they continue in it, their marriages will often times end in divorce. Fortunately, there is hope! By re-engaging in what is called the reward cycle a married couple can restore the love and respect that has broken down within their marriage. The husband can break the crazy cycle by asking himself, "Am I loving my wife in ways that will earn her respect?" The wife can break the crazy cycle by asking herself, "Am I respecting my husband in ways that will cause him to show me the love I so need?"

If you are currently on the verge of divorce, you will want to focus on healing the brokenness and division that has crept its way into your marriage. You can do this by breaking the crazy cycle and beginning to love and respect your spouse, accordingly. The Love & Respect book below (under the reading assignment) will go into more detail about this destructive crazy cycle and discuss how to re-engage the reward cycle in your marriage. ​

Video Teaching: Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage

His and Her Needs In Marriage

The handouts below outline "his needs" and "her needs" in a marriage. The information in these documents will help you better understand what you need and what your spouse needs in your marriage.

The Characteristics of Healthy Love

​Most people are familiar with the characteristics of unhealthy love but are often times not sure what the characteristics of healthy love are. You may have asked yourself, "What does a healthy relationship look like?", or "How do I know if I am in a healthy relationship?" Below is a list of characteristics present within healthy relationships.

Healthy people in relationships:
 
1. Allow for individuality.
2. Experience both oneness with and separateness from another.
3. Bring out the best qualities in self and the other.
4. Accept endings.
5. Experience openness to change and exploration.
6. Invite growth in the other person.
7. Experience true intimacy.
8. Feel the freedom to ask honestly for what is needed.
9. Experience giving and receiving in the same way.
10. Do not attempt to change or control the other.
11. Encourage self-sufficiency of partner.
12. Accept limitations of self and other.
13. Do not seek unconditional love.
14. Accept and respect commitment.
15. Have a high self-esteem.
16. Trust the memory of the beloved; they enjoy solitude.
17. Express feelings spontaneously.
18. Welcome closeness and risk vulnerability.
19. Care with detachment.
20. Affirm equality and personal power of self and other.

Video Teaching: Relationally Unsafe People

If you are currently dating, the information below will help you identify relationally unsafe people. Be sure to also go through the information above regarding marriage so you are prepared for when it comes time to take that next step.

Podcast Discussion: For Single Women

• Episode: Modern-Day Dating Challenges Facing Women Over 40

Reading Assignments

Read the books below (or listen to the audiobook) that you think will best support what you are going through. If you are married, focus on books #1, #2, #3, and (#4 for women or #5 for men). If you are single, focus on books #1 and (#4 for women or #5 for men). If you would like to learn more about what the Bible teaches regarding divorce and remarriage, focus on book #6.

1. Love & Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs 
2. Marriage on the Rock, by Jimmy Evans
3. Return to Intimacy (4 Session CD), by Jimmy Evans
4. FOR WOMEN:  Every Woman's Battle: Discovering God's Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment, by Shannon Ethridge
5. FOR MEN:  Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation, by Stephen Arterburn
6. What The Bible Says About Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage, by Robert Breaker​​