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Learning to set boundaries against verbal abuse

8/15/2019

Male, Anonymous - MA

I have been married to my wife for decades and throughout our marriage verbal abuse has been a challenge. My wife verbally attacks me almost daily, and I am left feeling that I have "reached the end of my rope". It feels like I am living with a person who has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. As a result, I hold tremendous tension in my body and walk on eggshells wondering, "When will the next attack come?" I react by either getting angry, storming out, or enabling her by trying to appease her. Unfortunately, these responses never work. She just gets angrier and my self-esteem continues to plummet.

I realized how bad my situation was when our neighbor (who must have overheard my wife screaming at me) said out loud, "Don't kill him!" Fortunately, my wife didn't hear her but it made me feel shameful, frustrated, embarrassed, and hopeless. I knew this could not go on, however, I didn't know how to stop the attacks. I needed serious help, so I confided in my counselor, Stephanie. She assured me that the verbal abuse would not stop unless I asserted myself, started setting some healthy personal boundaries, and dealt with my anger. Together, we came up with boundaries and communication strategies that I began implementing. I also learned that to be successful establishing boundaries with an abuser I needed to reinforce my boundaries often and implement consequences when those boundaries are violated.

I have learned that I don't need to resort to anger, control, or enabling patterns to try and stop or "fix" the abuse. Rather, setting and reinforcing necessary boundaries for myself is the healthy way to break the abuse cycle. I find taking small breaks and establishing consequences, like not engaging conversations that become abusive, to be very effective. I feel more confident and much more relaxed knowing I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse and that I am responsible for protecting myself against such violation.

Things are different now. My wife and I are able to talk through things more calmly. Having a counselor to talk with and to think things through with has made a huge difference. The key for me now is consistency and not falling back into old habits that do not serve either of us. Every time Stephanie and I speak I feel so much better. She is able to see things clearly and it really stabilizes me. No one else is giving what Steph is giving me. I am seeing clearly how I need to become stronger in who I am. I'm so grateful that I contacted her, she is the best thing that's happened to me in decades. I trust Stephanie completely because she wants to honor the Father, so I don't worry about her advice. It's always solid, logical, and biblically-based.

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Understanding the different roles and needs of a godly husband and wife

8/9/2019

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Brittany Petisce - Johnston, RI

I first spoke with Stephanie the week before my wedding day. At the time, I was experiencing feelings of fear and doubt in regards to the man I was intending to marry. It made me sad, confused, and frustrated, and I was receiving no clear answer to my prayers. Stephanie carefully listened when I explained my situation, and she asked questions to better understand what I was going through. My main take-away from our conversation was understanding the four core needs of a man (husband) verses the four core needs of a woman (wife) and how they are different, yet complimentary. I realized that he was not meeting many of my own core needs as a woman, and I was not meeting many of his core needs as a man.

Our relationship at the time was heading down a path that was completely opposite of God’s order laid out in Ephesians. Stephanie gave me examples of how I can meet his needs, and in turn, it would motivate him to want to meet mine. Since my husband is very teachable and committed to our relationship, he was willing to put the work in, too.

During my encouraging conversation with Stephanie, I felt the Spirit comfort me and confirm within me that the decision to marry my fiancé was the right one. I had an understanding and appreciation of the importance of maintaining God's order in our relationship and marriage. Going into our wedding day, I felt a complete 180 degree turn around in my perspective. I felt very confident and hopeful after my conversation with Stephanie. To this day, I’ve been happily married to my husband for two months with no regrets. I feel blessed, secure, loved, and thankful that God gave me the "go" to move forward and that He spoke through Stephanie to help me.

Stephanie really takes the time to pray and invite the Holy Spirit to be present in our conversations, which is something that is very important. She is also very patient, and will spend extra time with you if it is needed. She still checks in with me through our once-a-month phone calls to make sure things are still going well, and she helps me when we hit stumbling blocks. I am very thankful that I met Stephanie because she encouraged me with Godly wisdom with one of the most important decisions of my life!

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Learning to set boundaries against verbal abuse

Understanding the different roles and needs of a godly husband and wife

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